Younger Unschoolers: What About Technology and Screen Time?

I’m republishing a post I wrote about 18 months ago!

When I announced that I was going to write about younger unschoolers, a friend said, “I’d love to read about little kids and technology!” Could I share how we approached screen time during our children’s younger years?

My kids all have a good relationship with technology. Is that because of how we handled such things as computers and the Internet during their early years? No. You see, we didn’t get a computer until after the birth of our 5th child. Years ago, PCs weren’t so widespread. They were expensive. Our family just didn’t have one.

Then one day, a friend, who works in the IT industry, kindly offered us a computer that he no longer needed. My kids got very excited, and so did I. We were eager to explore the new world that suddenly opened up before us. Looking back, it was a rather limited world because we still didn’t have the Internet. That didn’t arrive until we were a bit further down the track. And even when we had both a computer and the Internet, we still couldn’t use the technology in the way we wanted. Our screen time was limited because there were lots of people using only one computer. And even when our turn on the computer chair finally arrived, we had to deal with the slow pace of dial-up Internet. Or no Internet. Many afternoons, I wanted to use the phone. Phone or Internet? We couldn’t have both at the same time.

That all sounds rather primitive, doesn’t it? A bit Stone Age. Nowadays, computers and the Internet are so commonplace, it’s hard to imagine a world without them.

So I never had to make any decisions about little kids and electronic devices. My children didn’t have iPads or phones or laptops of their own. I suppose life wasn’t as complicated because we had fewer choices than people have today. But we did have another screen: the television. Years ago, the big question was how much TV is good for kids? Is it really okay if children sit for hour after hour in front of the screen?

Many of my friends had battles with their kids about viewing times. How many programs were their children allowed to watch? Well, the answer varied. If parents wanted to catch up with a few things around the house, they were happy if their kids watched TV for a long time. It was convenient. But, at other times, parents complained: “You’ve been sitting in front of the TV for hours. Go do something else! Go outside and get some fresh air!”

I could so easily have used the TV as a babysitter too because parenting is hard. Sometimes we need a break. And why not use the TV? Kids learn a lot from watching movies and other programs, don’t they? But somehow letting my kids watch when it suited me and then refusing access at other times didn’t seem fair. That’s confusing for kids. My children watched TV when it suited them: there were a couple of afternoon shows that they used to enjoy. They probably didn’t know about the morning cartoons because I never turned the TV on at that hour of the day.

So, my kids would gather around the television every afternoon at 4 pm and watch the children’s shows for an hour. Then someone would press the button (we didn’t have a remote control!), the screen would turn black, and my kids would race back outside to finish whatever game they’d been playing earlier.

One afternoon, no one appeared at 4 pm. I went to the back door and shouted, “Time for your show!” My kids broke away from their game and ran towards the house. This happened every afternoon for a while. Then one day, I didn’t alert my kids to the time. They kept playing. That day, they didn’t watch any television. Later, no one said, “Why didn’t you call us, Mum?” My children didn’t seem to care that they’d missed their shows. Their outside games were far more interesting than anything on a screen. So that was the end of afternoon TV.

Instead of watching television, my kids:

• Played fabulous imaginary games in the garden.
• Had tea parties with siblings and dolls and even mothers.
• Did real things with me like cooking and dusting and watering the garden.
• Set out on adventures to such places as the park or the library.
• Listened to stories and music.
• Painted and glued and cut and made a fabulous mess.
• Swam and ran and biked and scooted.
• Picnicked in the garden and at the park or on the living room floor.
• Dressed up as princesses and dragons and pirates.
• Built cubby houses under the trees and the kitchen table.
• Did jigsaw puzzles and played board games.
• Talked and told stories.
• Climbed and leapt and slid and bounced and fell and got up again.
• And did many other things that didn’t involve a screen.

Are these kinds of activities far more important for little kids than television? Could they also be more important than computers and the Internet?

Usually, I’d say that we can’t value one interest over another. Our kids know what they like doing. They know their needs better than we do. Whatever a child is interested in is okay. Even if that’s technology. Because devices and the Internet are good, aren’t they? They open up the world, allowing kids to do amazing things.

But could young kids first need to experience the real world before they head out into the virtual one? Could it be important for them to do real things with real people? Feel. Smell. Taste. Touch. See. Talk. Build connections with the people in their family, and share life with them.

There’s another reason why it could be good to delay introducing technology to small children: they might not have the skills to deal with it. I don’t think the Internet is necessarily addictive, but it’s certainly distracting. We only have to look at our own relationships with our phones to know this. How many of us find ourselves on social media or checking our emails or googling non-essential things when we should be doing something else? So, if many adults have trouble staying in control of their devices, how can we expect young children to do this?

Of course, we can learn strategies to deal with technology so that it works to our benefit rather than directing our lives. And kids can learn these skills too. It’s possible for them to regulate their usage of screens and use them intentionally without us making any rules. I know this from experience. But could it be different for very young kids? Perhaps we need to be careful about exposing them to these experiences too early.

Recently, I read the book Indistractible by Nir Eyal. Eyal said:

… we can easily think of a host of activities we wouldn’t let our kids experience before they’re ready: reading certain books, watching age-inappropriate films, driving a car, drinking alcohol and, of course, using digital devices–each comes in its own time, not whenever a kid says so. Exploring the world and navigating its risks is an important part of growing up, but giving a kid a smartphone or other gadgetry before they have the faculties to use it properly is just as irresponsible as letting them jump head first into a pool before they can swim.

Does saying no to technology until our kids reach a certain age go against the principles of unschooling? Perhaps we should step back from our kids and let them do what they like, trusting they can handle everything. Or do they need our guidance and protection to navigate certain things that might harm their health and happiness? Of course, the aim is not to control our kids. Instead, we should gently hold their hands until they’re ready to let go and run free.

If we decide that our kids aren’t ready for devices and the Internet, do we have to stand firm and say no? Or is there a better way to handle things? Perhaps it’s possible to put technology in the background by surrounding our kids with a rich offline life. Maybe we have to get involved when our children say:

”Will you read me a story?”

”Can we bake a cake?”

”Would you like to come to my tea party?”

”Will you push me on the swing?”

Perhaps we have to be willing to help set up such things as the painting equipment and not worry about any mess.

Do we need to be in the habit of saying yes to other things whenever we can?

And could our own technology habits affect the attitude of our kids?

Imogen’s Thoughts

I decide to ask my adult daughter, Imogen, what she thinks about the topic of technology and younger unschoolers.

”Do you think you were disadvantaged because you never had access to a computer and the Internet when you were a young child?”

”Oh no!” says Imogen. “There were benefits from having no technology.”

We talk about the wonderful games my kids used to play together. Imogen smiles as she remembers building cubby houses under the pine trees, and racing a tricycle loaded with sisters down a hill, and dressing up in long dresses and tottering around the garden in high heels. Those days of imaginative play form the basis of her creative writing career. They also provide many memories of a magical childhood.

”Kids only have a small window of opportunity to enjoy dolls and cars and dressing up,” I say. “No one can go back and reclaim those precious early years.”

”But technology will always be there,” says Imogen.

Yes, when our kids are ready, devices and the Internet will extend their world in different ways. Technology is waiting for them.

But then I remember how my younger girls enjoyed watching the occasional DVD. They liked the Wiggles, and Bob the Builder and even the early Barbie movies. And what about all those Disney movies with the wonderful songs that my kids loved to sing? I remember enjoying watching all these kids’ shows and movies too. Screens can be part of a magical childhood.

Maybe kids don’t have problems if we’re involved, if technology is part of a rich family life. But what if screens are used to keep our kids busy when it suits us?

“Do you think that using a device as a babysitter leads to problems,” I ask my daughter.

And Imogen replies, “Yes. At work, I often see parents handing over their phones to their children as soon as they arrive at the cafe. They want to keep their kids busy while they enjoy their coffee.”

Imogen and I talk about how we can get into the habit of doing something because it’s convenient but later, we might end up with a problem that we have to deal with. Maybe some parents are aware that letting kids use their phones isn’t really the best thing to do. But we make imperfect decisions because life can be difficult and we need to survive. Perhaps devices are necessary. Could there be no other choice? Imogen reminds me that once upon a time, there was no such thing as a device. How did parents use to cope? How did we cope?

Imogen has one last point to add to our conversation: “Parents have to parent. That doesn’t mean they have to control their kids. But they do have to protect and guide them.”

But not forever. Kids grow quickly. Before we know it, they’ll be capable of discussing such things as screen time and, with our help, they can make good decisions. Of course, they might make a few mistakes to begin with, but they’ll work it out. With our support and example, they’ll be able to use technology and gain all its benefits without it ruling their lives.

Something Extra

I first heard about Indistractible while listening to episode 159 of the podcast, The Patrick Coffin Show: How to Distract-Proof Your Brain:

Do you find yourself distracted all day by the pings and dings of your smartphone, by the lure of that Amazon Prime movie, or hilarious kitten videos on YouTube, or your favorite news commentary, or the funny pages, or making a hot coffee before you “really get down to work”?

Stop me if this sounds like you, because it certainly sounds like me.

Fortunately for the distracted brethren of this world, a practical guide to distract-proofing your brain is now available. New York best-selling author Nir Eyal has put 5 years of research into one place.  It’s called Indistractible: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life.

Nir does not spout platitudes or make generalizations. He provides practical tools that build the kind of habits that enable you to stay on task and to use your time wisely and deliberately. Lots of objective data to back it all up as well.

The Patrick Coffin Show is a Catholic podcast, but this episode would appeal to anyone regardless of faith.

Some Last Thoughts

As you can see, I don’t have all the answers. I do know for certain that kids are capable of self-regulating their screen usage. Whether this happens from day one, I don’t know because none of my kids was ever in that situation. We don’t have the necessary experience to back up an opinion one way or the other.

But there is something that I’m sure about: we need to build up our connections with our kids so the Internet won’t seem more important to them than us. And we need to listen to our kids. As long as we truly have our kids’ interests at heart and not just our own, we should do what we feel is right rather than what other people might tell us to do. We need to safeguard our kids’ health and happiness.

Photos

Can you tell these photos are of my daughter Sophie? I think Sophie was three when they were taken. Gemma-Rose and I are in the background of the first photo!

So, do you think there are times when we need to protect our kids from screens and the Internet? Or maybe it depends on the child? I know some families are very grateful for the advances in technology. Without them, their kids wouldn’t be able to live the life that most of us take for granted.

As I said, I don’t have all the answers. But I think that’s okay. I can still offer some thoughts that might begin a conversation. Perhaps you’d like to add your ideas and experiences. We can ponder together!