When our children are young, we’re the most important people in their lives. Their world revolves around us. They depend on us for all their needs. Maybe we sometimes take our relationships with our kids for granted because we know they have no choice but to accept us.
Then our kids get older. They move towards independence. They start to look beyond us. There are other people in their world. They can choose to include us or not.
When my older kids got to the teenage years, I thought a lot about the type of person I was. Was I a person worthy of my kids’ love? Someone they’d like to emulate, and choose to spend time with, and have genuine respect for?
We often worry about what other people think of us. We do particular things to gain their approval. Maybe we’re like the teenagers who yearn so much to belong that they’re willing to conform their behaviour, and even their appearance, to that of the popular kids. It could be silly to pretend to be someone we’re not just so our peers will accept us. But it’s not foolish to consider what our children think of us.
Wouldn’t it be heartbreaking to find out that our kids plan to leave home as soon as they can? That they want to escape and live lives of their own? That they don’t want to know us? How do we prevent this from happening?
We could start by trying to be the people our kids need us to be, the people God created us to be. Of course, we don’t have to be perfect. We only have to try, and when we fail, we ought to apologise and try again.
If we want our kids to respect us, it’s important to respect them. We should listen to them. We must value who they are and what they think. Love them unconditionally.
And we should do all this from day one. We shouldn’t wait until our kids are big enough to look at us, eye to eye. (Though it’s never too late to change.) If we love our kids in this way, there’s a good chance that they will always want to be part of our lives even when they move on to adventures of their own.
We don’t want to be in a situation where we have to make our kids feel guilty so that they’ll pay us attention. We might complain that we never see our kids. Isn’t it their duty to visit us? We’ve done so much for them. And shouldn’t children, even adult ones, respect their parents?
But wouldn’t it be better to know that our kids give us their time and attention because they want to? That they do this because of love?
Photos
I took these photos of my husband Andy and son Callum at Moonbi Lookout on a recent holiday to the area where Callum and Sophie are living. The lookout is made of concrete and is rather ugly, but it did allow us to see a stunning view!
thanks for this. i am one of those kids who left home and gradually cut my parents out. after a lifetime of criticism, guilt, and manipulation i had enough. now there are occasional long distance calls with small talk and little else. doing much different w/our own kids. the grown ones seem to enjoy us so much they have been slower to move from home. dh is currently going thru obligation and guilt with his mother. she will pass soon, and he will only feel relief. let all us parents take this to heart.
Mary,
You understand what I was trying to say! Oh yes, relationships aren’t always what they could be. It’s so sad. I hope our kids will never feel manipulated or obliged to spend time with us. Loving us freely is so much better. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad you stopped by!
So glad to hear that Sophie and Callum live close to each other! That`s wonderful and I suppose it`s very comforting for you to know that they are near each other. Wishing Sophie all the best for the new start!
And wishing you lots of loving visits with your children! Luana
Luana,
Oh yes, it is very comforting knowing that Sophie has big brother Callum on hand to help her as she adjusts to a new stage in her life. Callum will bring her home with him next time he comes to visit us. Thank you so much for your best wishes. I hope all is well with you and your family! xxx