The other day, I heard some words to this effect:
Only when the pain that it takes to remain the same outweighs the pain that it takes to change are we finally willing to make some decisions and act.
We might be aware that things aren’t right. We know we should make some changes, but we put off doing this. Maybe we’re hoping things will get better. We’ll cope. We don’t want to give in. Perhaps change will involve facing the unknown. It might seem easier to stay where it’s safe. But then a day arrives when we know we’ve reached a crisis point. We have to act. The pain involved with change is less than the pain we’re enduring at the moment.
And that’s where I’m at right now. I’ve got to make some changes because I can’t continue what I’ve been doing. It’s too hard.
Unfortunately, I think I can do everything and I can do it all by myself. I’ve always been that way. I was the young mother who had a reputation for having an immaculate house despite having a baby and a toddler and no help. Of course, having the cleanest house of all my friends involved a lot of sacrifices. I had to use every spare moment that my children were asleep, not for resting but for keeping up appearances.
There is no doubt that I was proud of my ability to seemingly do everything alone. I wasn’t like my friends who were still in their pyjamas halfway through the day, whose houses were strewn from one end to the other with toys and abandoned clothes, who always had sinks full of dishes waiting to be washed. No, if you’d come to my house unannounced, you’d have been welcomed into a clean and tidy house and offered fresh coffee and newly baked cakes.
But it’s not likely you’d have visited me. Hardly anyone ever turned up on my doorstep without first telling me. Being prepared for possible visitors was a waste of time and energy. I knew that. But I still cleaned instead of resting. I felt I had to. As I said, I had a reputation to uphold. How I wish I hadn’t gone along that pathway. I just wanted to be like my friends who weren’t trying to be perfect but instead were focusing only on what was important.
You won’t be surprised to hear that, one day, I cracked. The burden was too much. The pain of staying where I was outweighed the pain of changing. So I changed.
Years later, I’ve reached another crisis point. I know I have to make some changes. This time, the situation has nothing to do with babies, toddlers, and clean houses. But it’s still about how I’m spending my time. I know I can no longer use every spare moment away from my family to blog, podcast, write books, make videos, answer messages and emails, edit photos and post on Instagram. I’m tired.
Some days, I just want to announce that I’m finished. I’m moving on. Instead of sharing thoughts about unschooling, I want to read books and watch movies, drink coffee and just have fun. So I decide that’s what I’m going to do, but then I think, “Sue, you’ll soon get bored. Don’t throw away everything you’ve worked on for the past 9 years. Keep going.”
And this seems sensible. I’ve got two newly published unschooling books that need promoting. I’ve built up a good audience for my podcast. I’m even gathering followers on Instagram. Why throw all that away? I need to keep striving for real success. Or is success not very important?
I think about what I’m trying to do. Get lots of followers? Sell lots of books? Gain fame? No, I just want to spread the unschooling message in the best way I can. In a way that doesn’t make me feel overwhelmed. That allows me time to enjoy life. Because I no longer want to spend every available minute working on my computer.
So what am I going to do? I’m going to make some changes.
Although I love podcasting, I’m taking a break from recording. It takes me most of a day to make each episode. I have to plan, record, edit, check, upload, and write show notes and a blog post, find photos, and make graphics. For the past 2 or 3 weeks, I haven’t been able to face doing all of that.
Also, I think I’m going to delete my Instagram account. Did you notice how I said, “I think…”? I wish I could be more decisive. It would be a lot easier to leave IG behind if I hadn’t made so many friends there and hadn’t had lots of interesting unschooling conversations with them. I have to keep reminding myself of the downside of social media:
I’m posting on a platform which belongs to Instagram, not me. I’m spending a lot of time creating content for someone else.
This would be okay if it benefited me, but IG controls who sees my photos and sometimes that means that not many of my followers actually see my posts.
Some days, I wonder if all the effort of using social media is worth it. But that beautiful grid of photos is hard to let go of. And there’s always the hope that I’ll spread my message far and wide because ‘everyone’ is on Instagram. If we want the world to know about our work, we need social media. Or so the experts say.
But I’m thinking of ignoring the experts’ advice. I’m not going to play by the rules. I’m going to do things my way which might not seem very sensible. Instead of podcasting or posting on Instagram, I’m just going to write a few blog posts and work on my next book. At least for now.
And I’m going to ask for help which I wasn’t good at doing when my kids were small. (Do most of us like to think we can do everything by ourselves?)
So if you’ve found any of my posts helpful, will you share them? And if you’ve read my books, Curious Unschoolers and Radical Unschool Love, and enjoyed them, would you mind telling people about them? Together we can spread the unschooling message by word of mouth. Five-star ratings and reviews on Amazon would help too!
Here’s a recent review of my book Curious Unschoolers written by S from Iowa:
As I told Sue, this is a wonderful balm to help my anxiousness rest. What a beautiful testimony to the beauty of a family who unschools! It truly is a family endeavor, not just mom or dad and the kids, and certainly not just the kids on their own. As Sue says, that would be unparenting. Sue treats the subject of unschooling as lifelong learning throughout her book with a depth of kindness and love that you do not often see elsewhere. Despite the book’s length, it is an easy read that you can pick up and leave as you can fit it into your day or week or month. It is not a how-to book with specific do-this ways to unschool each day. Unschooling is a way of life, and Sue demonstrates that perfectly in this book.
Thank you, S!
Something extra
If you’d like to hear about my early mothering days when I made myself overtired, you could listen to podcast episode 71: Tired and Difficult Days.
Photos
PhotosThese are some more photos of our trip to see my son Callum. I didn’t post these ones on Instagram!
Apologies
Somehow I’ve got behind with answering comments. I’m sorry! It’s always encouraging to hear from you. I’ll catch up soon!
So that’s where I’m at right at this moment. But what about you? Is there anything in your life that needs to change? Do you ever think you can do everything without any help? Or perhaps you’re much more sensible than me! And I wonder how you feel about social media.
Thank you for your honesty and openness. I have recently come across your blog and have been hugely encouraged on my unschooling journey with my two girls. Thank you for what you do and for sharing it and for being willing to put your values first and find a balance that brings life. That is success to me.
I’m so glad my blog is a source of encouragement for you as you unschool your girls. Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them very much!
Thank you, Sue, for this wonderful post today! Everyone needs to step back from social media. It has a time and a place, to be sure, and can be used for good; however, as I have seen in our friends and acquaintances lives – especially through our oldest 4 kids who take ballet classes with regular school kids downtown – it can become something that takes over as a life of its own, thereby taking us away from family, including ourselves. We do not use social media at all, and it has worked for our family. It is SO hard to change. It does take a big painful push to change, and my husband and I have felt that push a few big times in our family’s life. I will pray for you and what needs to be done for you to find your peace again!
Staci,
Oh yes, social media can take over our lives. I’ve also been thinking about how it gets in the way of real communication. Instead of visiting or phoning each other, many people are now communicating via Facebook. Quick messages and comments and likes. And I hate the whole idea of friending and unfriending. I only use IG to connect with unschoolers, but even that has its problems. I’ve been unfollowed numerous times by people who were hoping I’d follow them. It’s a game that I don’t really want to play.
Thank you for your prayers. You are very kind. I will pray for you too!
“Because I no longer want to spend every available minute working on my computer.”
I so completely get this. I’ve said this many times the past month or so. I am SICK of sitting at my computer. (Did you see my recent meltdown on my own site? LOL!)
Honestly, Sue, I don’t think most non-bloggers/podcasters/product buyers have any idea how much time and energy (and money) it all takes. I’ve been going through this myself, peeling back the layers the past few years since I quit Facebook.
David and I made the decision last month that he was going to do much less with my site because we can’t justify it financially any longer. He spends SO MUCH TIME helping me with my site and products – all the design, podcast production, website backend, etc. There isn’t nearly enough of a return on our time investment. It’s simply not worth it because it keeps him from work that actually pays well.
I would encourage you to not worry about the quantity of people you influence. Focus on being faithful. I’ve always prayed that God would bring the right person at the right time to the right post. He calls me to be faithful, not successful as the world measures success. I know that is easier said than done, but it’s true.
The people on Instagram who really care about your message will follow you wherever you go. If they won’t follow you to your site, then you don’t owe them anything. I said the same thing to someone who wants to quit Facebook for her own well-being, but has a solid page and group. If they won’t follow you where you are, then you owe them nothing. It sounds harsh, but that’s the truth.
Do what’s best for YOU. You only get one life. Neither one of us should be spending so much time at our computers that it makes us frustrated, angry, and burned out.
Hugs,
Sallie
Sallie,
I did read your recent post and I can relate to your words. Yes, blogging etc involves an enormous amount of time, work and money. I’ve been thinking about that too. Can I afford to blog and podcast? I’ve been looking for a way to earn enough money to meet all the costs. Patreon was a failure. I just wasn’t good at selling the idea! There are my books, but the amount I receive from each copy sold is very small. It’s just as well that sharing unschooling is a labour of love (usually!).
When I left Facebook, I lost contact with many people who used to follow my links to read my blog posts. They didn’t find another way to follow my blog. I expect the same thing will happen when I leave Instagram. But that’s okay. Yes, the people who really want to hear what I’m sharing will find me.
I’m sorry you’ve having a difficult time too. Maybe the answer is to get back to what we enjoy as far as blogging goes. Do things our way. I’m sure we have many readers who understand and are interested in reading whatever we feel called to share.
As always, it’s good to chat! Thank you for the hugs!
I’m glad you know yourself well enough to stop and take a break when you need to! I have found that I actually hesitate to commit to things now because I know that once I do commit, I feel guilty about backing out if it becomes overwhelming. It feeds my pride to do a lot–but only if I do it well. I’m always fighting my perfectionist tendencies. I hope you find a balance you are at peace with. Thank you for all of the hard work you have put into your blog, podcast, and books! I can see how it could start to feel all-consuming trying to keep up with everything, and then if it takes you away from the family life that is your priority, it just isn’t worth it. Do what you can, and don’t feel bad if you need a break:)
Emily,
It can be hard being a perfectionist, can’t it? Yes, like you, I want to do things well. And there is so much I could do. I keep having new ideas about how I can share unschooling. Of course, a new idea is irresistible. I have to try it out! But you are right: sometimes I need a break and that’s okay.
Thank you for your kind and understanding words!
Sue, I have loved and felt encouraged by so many of your podcasts and blog posts, and this one is no different. We are all struggling, trying to do too much, and finding that we finally get to a tipping point where we have to choose what is most important and let go of other things. Thank you for being so open. Praying for you as you discern how to move forward.
Jan,
Thank you for your kind words and your prayers. I appreciate them very much!
I really hope that you don’t actually delete anything! Your message is so important and encouraging and helpful to those of us trying to learn about unschooling. No matter how old the posts/pictures/podcasts are, the world needs them! Remember that the pressure of a posting ‘schedule’ is coming from within – I, for one, don’t expect anyone to post things daily, weekly, or monthly, I just appreciate the information when/if it shows up. And, while it is nice (exciting -lol!) to see you comment, please don’t feel like you have to acknowledge every single one! You have done the work by producing the blog post/podcast, etc. I hope you are able to take some of the pressure off of yourself! Post when you feel like it, rather than forcing yourself to keep to a schedule. (You’ll have lots of interesting things to tell us about when you let yourself do what you really want to, lol!)
Dawn,
Yes, we can put a lot of pressure on ourselves. Thank you for reminding me that I don’t have to post according to a schedule but can do things my way. And you are understanding not expecting replies to comments though I do love chatting if I have time.
I don’t plan to delete anything. The only reason I would do that is if I can’t afford the hosting fees for my blog. So far everything is okay! It’s good to know my old posts and podcasts are helpful. Thank you so much for your kind feedback!
I only discovered you (via the podcast) about a month ago and I am so thankful for all of the content you have shared across your blog and podcast. Curious Unschoolers just arrived a few days ago and it’s the next book on my list! We are planning to unschool our 3 and 1 year old boys and I will rely heavily on all your wisdom and openness about your family’s experiences. Even when you aren’t specifically talking about unschooling (e.g. your podcast on aging/appearance) I very much value the way you pose questions to yourself, point and counterpoint, and mull things over. I appreciate that you share your thought process (and emotions) to explain how you arrived where you are. I will do my best to spread the word and support you and your family as well!
You have so many great podcasts, maybe while you are taking a break from podcasts your blog can continue to reference the past ones which are still very relevant! It could help newbies like me who are catching up figure out which ones to listen to next.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for all you do! Your kindness and caring come through very clearly.
Alison,
I really appreciate your kind comment. And I’m excited because you’re going to read my book. I hope you like it! I’m so glad you’re finding my content helpful. Yes, I could share my old podcasts again. That’s a great idea. I don’t think the podcasts have gone out of date. (Though the earlier ones don’t sound as good as the more recent ones!)
Thank you so much for offering to help me spread the word about my unschooling work. It’s so lovely to meet you. Thank you for stopping by!
Sue, just after I read this, another post from a small business owner came up and she was contemplating getting off Instagram, too. Maybe you can think back to when you decided to go off Facebook. Did it make things better, or did you regret it? I am just left with Facebook but it really does cause some stress in my life. I would just hate to lose the connections I have with family that lives far away. So I hesitate to delete it.
Kristyn,
Oh yes, I remember how difficult it was to decide to leave Facebook, but that worked out well. I don’t regret that decision at all. I probably wouldn’t miss Instagram either.
I have been busy transfering my Instagram posts to my blog so that I don’t lose them when I delete my account. I’m putting them on my Storygram pages. So far I have moved the posts from the last 6 months. (It’s going to take me a very long time to move all my photos!) I like how the posts look on my blog. If you’d like to see what I’ve been doing, the links are in my top menu bar.
Could you keep in touch with your family that lives far away by sending emails and photos, and phoning occasionally? I guess FB is a more convenient and quick erway to share each other’s lives. Yes, I can see how hard it is to risk losing family connections by deleting your account.
Your questions helped. Thank you for stopping by!
Sue,
Those StoryGram posts are so neat! Those will be fun to look through.
I agree with referencing the old podcasts. You have so many it will take your new readers/listeners a long time to get through them. I’ve barely scratched the surface myself.
What about doing some round-up types posts on a topic so you could leave links to four or five or six posts or podcasts around a certain theme? Like a “Best of” or “Getting Started with” type things. That might be helpful while you are working on bringing over your Instagram things. You can still put up “fresh” content, but it will take minimal effort since you can draw on content you’ve already created. Plus it helps newer people find all the really good stuff that might be older and harder to get to.
Sallie
Sallie,
Thank you for your kind words about my Storygram idea. After reading your words, I felt encouraged to keep adding posts to my new pages.
I love your round-up post idea! Yes, that’s certainly something I could do. I have loads of content on my blog. It might be good to bring some of the older posts to the top of the pile again by including them in this type of post.
Thank you so much for your suggestions!
So true Sue. I always have difficulty asking for help when I am struggling but then I realize by not asking for help, I am setting myself up to be annoyed with everyone around me because they didn’t offer. Catch 22. I am trying to get passed that stubborn habit because I know I the long run, everyone loses when Mom is grumpy, tired and overextended.
I am glad you are going to try to take a little time for yourself. Your fans love you and appreciate your content, but we will be here when you get back. We have plenty here on your blog to keep us inspired and informed. Thanks Sue.
Deb,
Oh yes, it’s sometimes very hard to ask for help. We expect others to see our need without saying anything which can get us into trouble.
Thank you so much for helping me with a wonderful book review. That was such a brilliant surprise! And thank you for understanding that I need a break. You are such a supportive friend. I hope all is well with you!