Amina lowers her voice. “I don’t like to admit this, but one day I said, ‘Harry, can’t you do as I want for once? Can’t you be nice to me just for one day?’ Harry looked confused. Be nice to me? I don’t think he deliberately tried to upset me. He was just being himself. Wasn’t that okay?
– Amina, my pretend friend
Do you have ‘different’ kids? Have you ever wished they were ‘normal’ because your heart breaks when people don’t accept them, maybe bullying, teasing or ignoring them?
I’ve been asked, “How can we change our kids so they fit in?” I asked that question myself until I realised the question was wrong. It needed to be, “What can we do to support and encourage our kids and help them find their unique place in the world?”
Often, the problem with being ‘different’ doesn’t lie with our kids but with those around them. Our kids are okay. They’re wonderful people. They shouldn’t need to change and become more ‘normal’. It’s the rest of us who need to change. Perhaps we need to see how fabulous our kids are. We have to trust they’ll find their way. We must let them know we love them just as they are.
Accepting and trusting can be challenging. Maybe we’d prefer to say, “You must be like everyone else.” We might want to change our kids instead of changing ourselves.
Of course, we can help our kids learn social skills and the ‘rules’ of our society. We should improve our skills as well because we all must learn to communicate more effectively with each other. But we don’t need to suppress who our kids are. Perhaps we should also try to see the world from our kids’ viewpoint instead of always expecting them to see it from ours.
Love on the Spectrum’s Michael Theo was never expected to talk. Now he’s a star
This morning, I discovered an episode of Australian Story on YouTube featuring Michael Theo, who touched viewers’ hearts after appearing in two Love on the Spectrum series:
When Michael Theo was diagnosed with autism as a boy, his parents were told to set their expectations low. Initially non-verbal, Michael developed an early fascination with animated film and TV and that helped him learn to talk.
His teenage years were difficult but everything changed in his mid-20s when his search for a girlfriend propelled him onto the TV series Love on the Spectrum. Audiences in Australia and around the world fell in love with the straight-talking romantic.
Then a TV director came knocking to see whether Theo could act and an unlikely dream became a reality.
Theo stars in the TV series Austin: “This is what I was born for.” He has also worked as a voice actor for an animated show. Life hasn’t been easy. But with his family’s help, especially that of his mother, he does what he loves and believes anything is possible, even finding someone to love and share his life with.
Many people on the spectrum have to be very good actors. To show the world that they’ve got this. He’s had to be an actor his whole life. And he says that, this is what I was born for.
– Vanessa Theo, mother
Aspergers and Me
Chris Packham describes himself as ‘a little bit weird’. He also has autism. That hasn’t stopped him from pursuing his passions and becoming a well-known broadcaster and naturalist. In this video, Packham answers the question: If there was a way of taking away his autistic traits, would he choose to be ‘normal’?
My pretend friend knows about having ‘different’ or neurologically diverse kids, ones whose brains are wired a bit differently from most other people. You can find her story, The Real Problem With Being Different, in my book Radical Unschool Love. I’m also sharing it here:
The Real Problem With Being Different
I’m sitting at my friend Amina’s kitchen table enjoying a cup of coffee when Harry appears in the doorway.
After greeting me, he says, “I’m going to the library, Mum. See you later.”
I like Amina’s son very much. He’s generous and hard-working and always very polite. “There’s something very special about Harry,” I say.
“Yes, there is,” smiles Amina, “but would you believe there was a time when I wanted to change him?” She leans towards me as she says, “Harry has always been different. From a very early age, he had a mind of his own and was never interested in conforming to the group. And this caused me a lot of stress.
“He’d be invited to a birthday party and refuse to join in with the games. He didn’t want to do as he was told or play by the rules. He had other ideas. While the rest of the children followed instructions and did as expected, Harry would wander around exploring on his own.
“Years ago, we were invited to a weekly drama class with several other families. We met in someone’s home. Harry refused to sit in the circle and pretend. He wouldn’t be a dragon, an old woman, an upper-class gentleman. Instead, he roamed our friend’s house exploring and playing his own games, and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried glaring, frowning, bribing, cajoling, and pleading, but Harry wouldn’t listen to me. He wouldn’t come and join in with the other children.
“The other mothers would look at me with pitying eyes. Maybe they thought I was a hopeless mother, a mother who had no control over her son. They probably got fed up with Harry and me.”
Amina lowers her voice. “I don’t like to admit this, but one day I said, ‘Harry, can’t you do as I want for once? Can’t you be nice to me just for one day?’ Harry looked confused. Be nice to me? I don’t think he deliberately tried to upset me. He was just being himself. Wasn’t that okay?
“It was probably just as well we homeschooled Harry and didn’t send him off to school. I can imagine: ‘Mrs Bell, we need to talk about your son. He refuses to do anything we say. He won’t sit at his desk. He wants to roam around and explore, and that’s not allowed.'”
Amina is quiet for a moment. She sips her coffee and then says, “I might have done a disservice to Harry. I’ve mentioned the things that frustrated me enormously. But it wasn’t all bad. As you can see, he grew into a very hard-working, reliable, caring child. He might not have wanted to join in with all the activities the other kids were involved with, but he was willing to spend hours jiggling babies and making up games for toddlers so that I could have a break. He may have his own way of doing things, but he has never failed to help with the household chores – hanging out washing or cleaning or doing dishes.
“I’ve always been very proud of Harry despite his differences. But I do wonder about the future. He isn’t exactly outgoing. And he has his quirks. What will happen when he leaves home and goes off into the world? Will he fit in? Will he find his place?
“A few years ago, I thought I should try and change Harry. Make him more like everyone else. If he were part of the crowd, if he did things in the same way as everyone else, I wouldn’t have to worry about him. I started saying things like, ‘Harry, perhaps you should try hanging out the washing without worrying about whether the pegs match. Harry, I know you like your routines and hate change, but maybe you should make yourself do things differently now and then. Harry, it wouldn’t hurt to join in with a soccer game occasionally. It’s a friendly thing to do. And maybe you should practise starting conversations. You need to be more outgoing.'”
“What happened?” I asked.
“Well, Harry was eager to please me. He was willing to do everything I suggested. He tried to become the person he thought I’d prefer him to be. And that almost broke my heart. In the end, I decided to let Harry be who he is. His differences are what make him special.”
“Being different isn’t bad,” I say.
“No,” agrees Amina. “Different is actually good. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Harry. The problem doesn’t lie with him at all. It lies with other people.”
Yes, most people aren’t good at accepting those who seem different from them.
“Wouldn’t it be good if differences were accepted?” I say. “Imagine if society didn’t expect us all to be the same. We’d all be valued for our unique gifts. They’d be a place in the world for everyone.”
“Even though I wouldn’t change Harry,” says Amina, “I still have odd moments when I worry about him.” She drains her cup and places it on the table, and then she adds, “But that’s my problem, not his. When I begin to worry, I know I’m failing to trust. Sometimes I don’t even want to trust. I just want things to be different. For my sake.”
I know how my pretend friend Amina feels. I understand her story. I’ve had problems trusting as well. Sometimes I’ve wanted my kids to be more ‘normal’, to be part of the crowd. Such children would be much easier to parent. I wouldn’t have to worry about them. They’d be no need to trust.
Trust: that’s the real problem, isn’t it? There’s nothing wrong with being different. Different is okay.
Do you know what I think is the best thing we can do for our ‘different’ kids? It’s what we need to do for all our kids. Accept them as they are and love them unconditionally.
Featured Images
The first photo of a kestrel was taken by David White, Unsplash.
The second photo was taken by Maurice Prins, Unsplash.
Fingers in the Sparkle Jar
Chris Packham wrote about his kestrel in his memoir Fingers in the Sparkle Jar:
Radical Unschool Love
If you haven’t already read Radical Unschool Love, why not check it out?
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