It’s Saturday afternoon. I’m at home, settled in front of the heater, thinking about socialisation. Am I’m feeling sociable at the moment? No. I’m quite capable of socialising, but I’m happy sitting here alone with my computer. Actually, I often feel like staying home and not seeing people. And my girls feel the same way. I suppose part of this has to do with the fact we’re introverts. But some of it is due to the fact we’re isolated unschoolers.
Now we’ve all heard people criticising homeschoolers for keeping their kids home: “But what about socialisation?” This is rather ridiculous because our kids have more opportunities to get out into the real world to meet all kinds of people than do school kids. I tend to ignore the socialisation issue. For us, it’s an old debate.
But there’s another aspect of socialisation that does affect us. I’ve had homeschoolers tell me that I need to provide more opportunities for my girls to meet other children, especially those of their own ages. “Come along to our homeschool group. You need to make an effort for your kids’ sakes.”
For a long time, I smiled politely and ignored this advice. Then one day, the words ‘you need to make an effort’ took hold of my mind. Perhaps other people were right. So I consulted my daughters. “Do you think we should go to a homeschool group? We might make some new friends. Should we give it a go? ” We decided we would.
Everyone in the group was welcoming and friendly. There was just one problem: We were the only unschooling family. The girls didn’t like being organised into activities they weren’t interested in. That’s not the way we do things. Conversations weren’t very relevant to us. Kids talked about what year of school they were in and what assignments they had to do. Parents chatted about curricula and planning and how to make kids do their school work. And that was okay because they needed to talk about such things. But we didn’t have anything to say on these topics.
One day, after we’d been going to the meetings for 9 months or so, we looked at each other and said, “Do we really want to go today? Or should we stay home?” We stayed home. And that was the end of that.
We’d tried going to a homeschool group. We’d given it a fair go. We couldn’t see the point of continuing. Other people might criticise us but we were happy.
Why do we worry about socialisation? Are we afraid our kids won’t be able to talk to people? Maybe they won’t be able to make friends. And they need lots of friends. Or do they?
As introverts, I don’t think we need crowds of friends. A few kindred spirit ones are enough. To be honest, we haven’t found any of these locally. Unschooling has made us different from those around us. No, that’s not quite true. Unschooling has allowed us to be who we are: different. But maybe one day we might meet other people just like us. As Sophie once said – in the podcast, Do My Unschoolers Mind Being Different? – “I can’t be the only weird person in the world!” In the meantime, we do connect up with like-minded unschoolers online.
Despite the fact my girls are weird, they can talk to people, any people, not just unschoolers. They have good communication skills. And this is something not all kids have.
“They don’t know how to talk properly,” observes Sophie referring to some school kids she knows. “They have no idea how to have proper conversations where everyone is included. They talk about themselves all the time. They’re not interested in hearing what other people have to say. They don’t really want to know about me.”
And this can be really hard. How do you become part of the conversation when no one is willing to listen? When no one is interested in what you might have to say? When they don’t even realise you’d like to be included? Often, my girls give up. As they say, sometimes it’s the people who are always talking who have a problem. Just because someone has no shortage of words doesn’t mean she knows how to relate to people.
Getting together with other people on a regular basis doesn’t necessarily teach us how to communicate and get on with others. That’s the conclusion I’ve come to. So I’ve stopped worrying about such things as homeschool groups and organised field trips. As long as our kids are capable of being sociable, it really doesn’t matter if they choose to stay home.
Of course, my girls have each other. We’re a crowd on our own. What would I do if I had an only child? I don’t know. I’ve never experienced that. Have you?
I wrote this post a couple of years ago. I published it and then changed my mind and reverted it to a draft form. Now I’ve published it again!
I told this story in episode 139, of my podcast: Unschool Socialisation: Making Friends, Being Different.
I explored the following questions:
- If someone doesn’t want to be our friend, is there something wrong with us?
- How do you become a cool kid?
- Should we pretend to be someone we’re not so that we’ll be accepted and have friends?
- Or is it better to be ourselves?
- Do we need lots of friends?
- Does ‘socialisation’ actually teach us how to communicate with people properly?
- Or maybe some people who have no trouble talking don’t actually have many communication skills?
Of course, some unschoolers may be part of big unschooling groups and have no trouble finding like-minded friends!
I’m also talking about
- NaNoWriMo and friends
- My unschooling book
- How I stepped outside my comfort zone and had an exciting adventure!
Show Notes
Podcast
Episode 48: Do Unschoolers Mind Being Different
Novel Writing
Video
Gemma-Rose (9) Talks about Novel Writing
Pam Laricchia’s Podcast
Photo: Gemma-Rose and Sophie look happy even though they don’t really have any kindred spirit friends, don’t they? Sisters can be best friends with each other! Thank you for listening to this episode. If you enjoy my podcast, please consider sharing the link so we can spread the word about unschooling. A quick review or rating would help too!
Please feel welcome to leave a comment about anything I talked about in this episode. I’d love to hear about your own socialisation experiences. Do you have trouble meeting like-minded people? Do you worry about your kids not having many friends? Or are you fortunate: Do you belong to a thriving unschool group?
You could just stop by and say hello!
Good title, this is a topic that comes up more than any other for home educators. And, quite frankly, it gets boring hearing it so many times when it's not even an issue for us.
I think I've mentioned before that it has been very challenging for me to become more social because of the children. Surprisingly, all 4 of them are social butterflies in opposition to my husband and I being introverts. However, their need to be with people outside our family has been positive in every way. We found a group with fantastic, likeminded people and are now very involved. While I don't feel the need to have friends myself, I appreciate the company of the other Mums and feel the group is productive and positive. The kids love it.
I completely understand how your girls feel around other kids, particularly school kids. Our children naturally gravitate towards other homeschoolers and other Catholics – they understand each other.
Kelly,
It sounds like you have found a group of kindred spirit friends. That's wonderful! Maybe we all need some kind of support. For us, we're finding it online. Though as Sophie says, maybe we'll find other weird people like us in real life one day!
Oh yes, it's challenging seeing to the needs of our kids when we don't feel naturally inclined to do it. But sometimes we do indeed have to make the effort. I'm happy to do it if it benefits my kids. Unfortunately, for us, that extra effort wasn't worth it.
Isn't it wonderful when we find people who understand us? It must be good for kids as well!
Thanks for your post, Sue! I have at least one son who isn’t interested in socializing. I don’t think he is depressed or unhappy. I think he is still in that teen time when he is trying to figure things out so it looks like nothing is happening. We have a good relationship. Some of my kids are introverts so they tend to not want to socialize a whole lot. My daughter, though, craves it! We can’t stop her from playing with other kids! Same family. Your post helped me realize that my kids who are not interested in socializing are okay!
Gina,
We have it easy because everyone in our family is an introvert. Usually, we all need a similar level of socialisation. My only problem has been ignoring the well-meant advice given to us by the extroverted families who think we should socialise more. What’s right for them is not necessarily right for us. It took a while, but I have accepted that. Yes, not being interested in socialising is definitely okay!
This sounds very familiar!
I ask my kids if they would like to join in with the homeschool group activities, and mostly they say no.
I keep offering options and if they say no there is no use forcing it.
I used to be very quiet as a kid but am able to go out and meet people now, so I know it will come to them in time.
Xo Jazzy Jack
Jack,
Oh yes, it’s no use forcing kids when they’re not ready. Just trust they’ll learn the skills they need in their own time. Also, in their own way. Maybe homeschool group activities are a bit like school. A bit artificial (though enjoyable for some people). There might be better ways to meet and talk with people.
I am experiencing something similar. Not all of my children are introverts, though. The tricky part for me (right now) is I have an extravert, an extreme introvert, and two I would consider ambiverts. I am a middle of the road introvert myself. It is hard to suit everyone. I like the group we’re involved with, but they are mainly textbook/workbook homeschoolers, so that part is philosophically difficult as an unschooly Charlotte Mason mom. Also, it is a Christian group that is meeting this year at my (Catholic) parish, and I have been surprised by hearing a few anti-Catholic comments. My conclusion is that it has been a nice outing for one afternoon a week, and my kids seem to enjoy it. But like all things in life, there are pros and cons. I am trying hard not to overthink during the school year. One year at a time. 🙂
Kristyn,
I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with some anti-Catholic comments. I remember being in a similar situation when we first started homeschooling. Even though we lived in a city, it was hard to find other homeschoolers. Homeschooling wasn’t very popular all those years ago. There were about 10 families at the most. Most of them were Christian and one family was atheist. We were the only Catholics. We couldn’t find a different homeschooling group. There wasn’t one. On the whole, the other parents were very friendly towards us. It was only the odd comment that bothered me. But then one day, after we’d been in the group for some months, one of the mothers said to me, “I didn’t think Catholics were Christians, but you are, aren’t you?” She’d got to know us and had decided we weren’t as bad as she’d first thought. Maybe there are lots of misunderstandings that get in the way of everyone enjoying spending time with each other. Things get too complicated. Perhaps it’s sometimes worth going to a group even if it’s not perfect. Yes, a nice outing once a week!
I don’t watch Podcasts. No offense, it just is a media that doesn’t interest me. I do, however, read all of your posts and they resonate so much with me. I guess as time went on, I have become more and more of an unschooler. I never really recognize it because we still use some textbooks. However, the bulk of our time is used in unschooling activities. We also had the not fitting in feeling in our co-ops and so eventually we quit them all. Now the kids are going in all different directions as they pursue their passions. I am also surprised at how different the directions my kids went. I chalk that up to the unschooling piece. Thank you for continuing to write and encourage others. You really make me happy with my choices.
Phyllis,
Unschooling has surprised me too. It has taken us places that I never really intended for us to go. And now we’re here, I am very grateful.
It’s so lovely to hear your kids are busy pursuing their passions and you feel happy!
Thank you so much for your kind comment. I’m so glad we can share ideas and encourage each other. I’m writing this reply while I’m taking a break from editing my unschooling book. Sometimes I feel like giving up on the book. But today, your words are spurring me to get back to work!
I’m glad I posted this story as a blog post even though I’d already shared it in my podcast. Yes, podcasts aren’t for everyone. I understand that!
It’s lovely to chat with you. Thank you for stopping by!
Thanks so much for sharing this!
I would appreciate a bit of advice if you are up for it : ) (please)
We just recently (3 days in) began our unschooling path & the feedback I’m getting from my 15 y/o daughter is that she’s 2nd guessing this decision b/c it is already different from her school friends. I am going to invite a more open conversation about this to learn exactly what she means. I think it may be that they are going on with their lives & she feels like she’s left behind? I don’t know, for sure; I’m just guessing.
Any insight?
Thank you in advance <3
Michelle,
Setting off on new adventures can be exciting, but it can also be worrying. Have you made the right decision? Will your daughter be happy? Deciding to unschool is a big change. It’ll take time for everyone to adjust. Life might feel strange and it’s natural you or your daughter will be looking back to your old way of life wondering if you should have stayed there.
Yes, talking with your daughter about her thoughts and feelings might help. Is she worried about being left out of her group of friends because she won’t see them so often? Perhaps she’s worried about not keeping up with the things they’re learning about at school? Maybe she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to be doing now that she’s unschooling? It’s hard when kids are used to having set work to do and all of a sudden, they have to make their own decisions. Maybe that doesn’t feel right.
If your daughter is having trouble settling into unschooling perhaps you could treat the next few weeks as a holiday. Do all those things you never had time for when she was going to school. Reconnect with each other. Enjoy spending time together. Watch some movies, go on a few outings, talk, read books… Maybe you could also look around for an unschooling support group. Meeting other unschooling parents and teenagers might help. And you could keep reading about unschooling and maybe discussing it together.
It’s been a while since I read the following book, but I think you and your daughter might enjoy it: The Teenage Liberation Handbook: How to Quit School and Get a Real Life and Education by Grace Llewellyn.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0962959170/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0
I’ve made a few podcasts with my teenage daughter Sophie. And Pam Laricchia has interviewed some unschooling teenagers for her podcast Exploring Unschooling.
It’s normal for every family to have a deschooling time when starting unschooling. Things never fall into place overnight. But that’s okay. There’s a lot of time ahead of you. I hope you soon feel more settled. Enjoy your unschooling adventure.
And if you have any more questions, I’m happy to try and answer them!