Unschooling is Just as Much About the Parent as the Child

We can’t make anyone become the person we’d like them to be. We can’t say, “If you only did this or that… you’d be a better spouse (or partner).” We can’t change people. But we can change ourselves. We can try and become the person we’d like those closest to us to be. We can treat others the way we want to be treated. Be a good example. And who knows? Our spouses may reciprocate. They might start treating us the way we’re treating them.

But what if they don’t? What if we try to be a better spouse and nothing happens. What if our husband or wife or partner continues relating to us as normal? They don’t seem to notice the extra effort we’re making. Maybe we feel they’re taking advantage of us without offering anything in return. Do we say, “I tried really hard to be a better spouse, but it didn’t work? He could have met me halfway, but he didn’t. I’m not going to bother trying anymore. He doesn’t deserve it.” Do we give up?

I think we often give up when we’re trying to improve our relationships with our children. We might decide we’re going to be a better parent. Perhaps we’re going to watch what we say, be more patient and gentle, stop yelling, help instead of nagging, listen more instead of lecturing, be a calmer and kinder mother or father. So we try hard to be a good example, to be the people we’d like our kids to be. But we only give them a certain amount of time to respond to us.  If they don’t start to copy our example, we give up and resume our old relationship with them. We say, “Whoever said we have to be a good example is wrong. Their children must be different from ours because it doesn’t work in our family.”

I really do think that the way we treat others affects the way they treat us. Sometimes we just have to give people more time to respond. But what if we put in a lot of effort over a long period of time with no result? Should we just throw our hands in the air and say, “I can’t be bothered anymore? I tried and I’m not going to try any longer.” No, I think we have to be a good example whether we like it or not, whether it has the desired result or not. We have to do it because it’s the right thing to do.

We have to become the best people that we can be, become who we are meant to be. Not just for our children’s sakes, or for our spouse’s sake or for anyone’s sake. No, we have to do it for ourselves.

Unschooling is just as much about the parent as it is about the child. We might decide to unschool because we think it’s the best way to bring up our children or educate them, to help them become the best people they can be. But the longer we unschool, the more I realise that it is me who is changing. And it has to be that way if I want unschooling to be effective for our children, for our family.

For how can we expect our kids to become the people they are meant to be if we’re not prepared to do the same ourselves?

Adapted from some thoughts I shared in podcast episode 82: How Not to Be Your Child’s Worst Nightmare.

A week or so ago, something unexpected happened. I got up as normal. My husband Andy got up too. “I’ll make you some breakfast,” he said. I thought that was rather nice of him. After serving me my porridge oats, Andy gave me an envelope. It felt like a greetings card. “Is it a special day today?” I asked. Andy grinned and then I suddenly remembered. It was our wedding anniversary.

If you listen to my podcast, you will know that this isn’t the first time I’ve forgotten our wedding anniversary. It’s not the first time Andy has grinned and felt pleased with himself for remembering and surprising me with a card and a gift. Andy grinned? Oh yes, he wasn’t upset because I’d forgotten our special day. Best friends don’t worry about things like that. They’re more interested in the other person than they are about themselves.

Yes, Andy is my best friend.

I took the above photos of Andy on our anniversary day. We went to town and discovered a cafe that’s ‘open late’. We live in a rather sleepy place. Most cafes are closed by 4 pm even at the weekend. If Andy and I want to go somewhere for coffee in the evening, we usually end up at McDonald’s because it’s the only place open. But next time we venture out for some time alone, we have somewhere new to go!