Unschoolers Talk About Freedom to Choose

“If children are given the freedom to do whatever they want, will they choose to do nothing at all?” I ask my daughters.

Sophie smiles and says, “It’s not possible to do nothing.”

“But I’ve heard parents say to their kids, ‘You’ve done nothing today!’” I insist.

Imogen joins the conversation: “Perhaps parents don’t value whatever the child has been doing. To them, it’s ‘nothing’. It doesn’t count.”

I ask my girls what they choose to do with their time. And Sophie says, “Write and blog, redesign my blog, take photos and read.” Imogen tells me that she likes to write, plan her writing, blog and read.

“You both do a lot of writing,” I say. “You spend a lot of time on your computers. I could say, ‘Stop writing! That’s all you ever do.’”

My girls giggle. So do I. Stop writing? Isn’t writing a valuable thing to do? We know lots of parents who worry because their kids don’t like writing.

“What if you spent all day playing computer games?” I ask. My girls don’t do this, but lots of unschooled kids do. “Do you think kids are learning while they’re playing games? Are they doing something valuable?”

“Yes!”

“So a parent shouldn’t judge what a child is doing? They shouldn’t attach value only to certain things?”

“No.”

“But surely a parent knows better than a child. They have more life experience. Shouldn’t they have a better idea of what children should be doing?” I ask.

“In some ways, having experience is good,” says Imogen. “Parents can use it to help a child, but they can’t tell her what she should be interested in. Only a child knows what she values. Parents sometimes have a definite idea of who their children should be and what they should be doing. It’s hard to accept their children the way they are.”

“Maybe parents also worry about their kids,” I say. “If they see them doing something like playing computer games, they might wonder if they’ll be able to get jobs. They want their kids to spend their time doing something that will lead to a safe career. What their kids are interested in might not seem a very secure option.”

Sophie points out that everyone has unique talents which are developed through their interests. Kids should be allowed to follow their interests and see where they lead. It’s irrelevant whether a child’s choice is a safe option or not. Parents shouldn’t tell kids they should be doing something else, something that isn’t suitable for them.

“What a parent should be doing,” says Imogen, “is encouraging and helping their kids with their interests so that if they want to turn them into a career further down the track, they’ve had the best possible start. This will help them to be successful, to do as well with their interests as they possibly can.”

I have another question for my daughters: “A child might not seem to be doing anything valuable as far as a parent is concerned. But what if she doesn’t seem to be doing anything at all. Sophie, you did say earlier that it’s impossible to do nothing.”

“A child could be thinking or resting or just stopping to appreciate life. Everyone needs quiet times when they’re not doing anything visibly productive. Parents have quiet times. Why shouldn’t kids have them too?”

“I think we’re taught that we have to cram as much into our days as possible,” I say. “And parents worry about how much their kids are doing. Are they doing enough? It makes them feel better if they can say at the end of each day, ‘She’s done this and this and this. What a productive day she’s had!'”

And sometimes kids do look productive. But there are those times when they don’t seem to be interested in anything in particular. The girls and I chat about how these times are just a normal part of life. They’re essential. None of us can work at full pace all the time. We all need quiet periods when on the surface not much seems to be happening. But who knows what’s going on subconsciously? Maybe quiet times are processing times. One day, the spark will reignite. And we’re off digging deeper into our interests or chasing an entirely new one.

“Children should be made to do things they don’t want to do so that they get used to it. Once they’re adults they’re going to have to do a lot of things they don’t want to do. Parents are only helping kids develop good habits.” I wait to see how my girls will respond.

“Children don’t need to be pushed to do such things,” says Imogen. “They already do difficult and unpleasant things.”

“Like?”

“Chores.”

“I’ve heard of parents who would like to unschool,” I say, “but they’re worried that their kids will choose not to help with the chores if they have the choice. And they don’t have the energy or inclination to do them all by themselves. What would you say to that?”

“Model what you’d like your child to do.”

“We have to be prepared to do everything we want our kids to do?”

“Yes. And trust they will do it.”

“When kids are trusted,” says Sophie, “they want to live up to that trust.”

We talk about a few more difficult things my kids do such as practising the piano and reading dense books and getting up early each morning to run.

“Why would kids want to do difficult things?”

“Just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it’s not enjoyable. In fact, the more we have to work at something, the more satisfaction we get from it.”

“Why do you run? Why do you roll out of bed even on cold days and when you’re tired and run before breakfast?”

Imogen: “Running is a challenge. I enjoy pushing myself to run further and faster.”

Sophie: “I can’t stay home when everyone else goes running. I’ll miss out. I want to be part of the team. It’s good to celebrate the good runs and commiserate over the bad ones. It’s a family thing.”

“What if a parent does force a child to do things they don’t want to do? Could this actually be bad for the child?”

“Yes,” says Sophie. “When a parent makes a child do something, they’re acting like an external motivator. They’re not trusting the child will make the right choices on her own.”

“It’s important that children are motivated to do what is right from within,” says Imogen, “because when they grow up and leave home, when they’re no longer living with their parents, and there’s no one to make them do things, the difficult things won’t get done. Instead of making their kids do hard things, parents should be giving them the opportunity to make their own choices. They should give them the encouragement and support they need to develop self-motivation.”

“Will children follow the good example of a parent?”

“They’ll pick up whatever they see around them. They’ll learn what’s important from the people they spend time with.”

“So if a parent chooses to live a lazy way of life, and gives the children the freedom to do whatever they want, will they choose to live a lazy way of life too?

“If parents don’t do much in a day then children aren’t going to see a reason to do anything much either.”

“But we’re talking about unschooling children. Do you think unschooling children are lazy?”

“Of course not!” My daughters are adamant. I guess that means unschooling parents aren’t lazy. Perhaps that’s another topic we can discuss another day.

This post is based on a conversation that I had with my daughters Imogen and Sophie in podcast episode 10: Should a Child Be Given the Freedom to Choose?

Although it wasn’t mentioned in this conversation, we think that if kids are closely connected to their parents, they will value their opinions, follow their example, and want to do what is right even if it happens to be difficult as well.