But are we truly comfortable when we try to remain comfortable? Or do tensions slip between us and our kids, who are ready for new challenges and feel frustrated when we say no and hold them back? They want to grow rather than stand still just because it’s convenient for us.
Whether we say no or allow our kids to do what they need, we will experience discomfort. So isn’t it better to do the uncomfortable thing that’s best for our kids? Parenting is about our children and not us, though we also change along the way. If we’re willing to put aside our fears and put our kids ahead of ourselves, we’ll grow, too.
We have to be willing to be uncomfortable, and that requires courage. What inspires us to be courageous? Love.
We love. We do what is right. We let go. We trust. We grow. And so do our kids.
When our children are ready to learn to drive, how do we feel? Are we excited about this new stage of their lives? Or do we gulp with fear? Do we want to postpone the day that our children sit behind the wheel with us in the passenger seat?
I wrote this story in 2010.
The Thrilling Ride
There was a great whoop of delight from my son and an even louder whoop from me when Duncan passed his driving test. I no longer have to sit in the passenger seat while he clocks up his 120 hours of driving experience.
It’s an enormous achievement for learners to do those hours and then pass their driving test. They should be proud of themselves. It’s also a massive achievement for the support drivers, who committed to helping their young people get their P plates so they can get out on the road alone. I think anyone who has sat by the side of an L-plater, helping, supporting, or just going along for the ride, should receive official recognition for all that hard work, patience, and courage.
When my children were babies, I never thought about the day they would need to learn to drive. If asked, I suppose I would have said that each of my children would have a dozen or so lessons with a qualified instructor, and then they’d book a driving test. Easy. But times have changed. Now, learners need 120 hours of logged driving experience (in NSW) before attempting the test. Who can afford 120 hours’ worth of lessons at a driving school? Certainly not us. Like most families, we have had no choice but to be support drivers for our children.
Being a passenger with a learner driver can sometimes feel like an extreme sport. Who needs to canoe down a rapid or scale a sheer cliff face? Being in a car controlled by a young person with little or no driving experience can be just as thrilling.
My heart begins to beat faster as soon as my learner driver turns the key, and the engine roars to life. I place my foot on the imaginary brake pedal on the car’s passenger side. I prepare to react to the unexpected. I think: will we return home in one piece? And afterwards, the feeling of relief: it’s all over for another day. My heart slows down, and I collapse, exhausted. And all I did was sit still for an hour or so.
Of course, things do improve. As the hours of experience tick slowly by, our young people gain confidence and skills. I begin to relax and trust that they know what they’re doing. I even enjoy being driven about. But at first, it isn’t easy.
After passing the driving test, there’s one more hurdle: the first trips out on the road alone. Our son grabs the car keys and hurries out the door, eager to try out his new freedom. We stay at home wondering if he’ll be okay. Will he and the car return without incident? We stand impatiently by the window, waiting for the first sight of our returning young driver. Here he is, a big grin on his face.
“No problems?”
“No. It was great. I can’t wait to go for another drive.”
I can. It will be a long time before I can relax and not think about what could happen out there on the road. Although our son is a competent driver, you just never know.
My friend Di waved goodbye to her teenage son, Mark. He’d had his licence only weeks. Di was worried when Mark didn’t return home at the expected time, so she tried to phone him on his mobile. When there was no answer, she set out in her car, taking the same route as her son. It wasn’t long before Di came across a roadblock. There’d been an accident up ahead. Then she realised the mangled, concertinaed car embedded into the tree was Mark’s car. Can you imagine how she felt as she drove to the hospital where her son had been airlifted? Amazingly, this story has a happy ending. Mark sustained multiple serious injuries, but he is alive.
I imagine it was very difficult for my friend to let her son back on the road once he had recovered. But she had to do it. Driving is a skill a young person can’t do without. Di had to trust Mark would be okay. She had to avoid eroding his self-confidence by expressing her fears and holding him back.
.
Being a parent isn’t easy. I want to wrap my children in cotton wool and protect them from all dangers. I can do this when they’re young, but there comes a time when I have to let go. It’s risky. They might make mistakes. My own heart might hurt. But it has to be done.
We help our kids gain the skills they need for life in the big world as best we can. Then, we must stand back and let them go. We must have confidence in our kids, rejoice in their growth, and share their joy.
And if anything happens, we trust we’ll cope. It’s God who is in charge, not us. We handed over control. We didn’t hold tight. It wasn’t easy, but we did what was right.
Christian Unschooling Zooms
We discussed being uncomfortable during a recent Christian unschooling Zoom meeting about teenagers and safety.
If you’d like the details of our next Zoom meeting, please contact Erin on her blog or Instagram. We’ll be getting together on the first Wednesday/Thursday of May (depending on where we are in the world). You’re welcome to join us!
Images
I took these photos in 2021 before my learner driver, Gemma-Rose, drove us home from town.
