There’s a woman on YouTube who sips wine from a large glass while digging into a family-sized bucket of ice cream. She has some advice for parents. Her message goes something like this:
Parents take back the reins. Forget all this being friends stuff. Show some tough love. It doesn’t matter if our kids protest and say such things as, “I don’t like you!” Hey, parenting isn’t a popularity contest. Take control. The battle is on, and we’re going to win.
I’ve written about this woman before in a story called Can We Be Both Parent and Friend? It’s in my book, Radical Unschool Love. I talked about how, years ago, I also wanted my kids to obey me. Life was difficult. I was often overtired. I’d yell, “I’m the parent, and you’re the child. Just do what I say!”
Somewhere down the track, unlike this YouTubing mother, I realised we need to respect our kids. Love them unconditionally. Build connections with them. Be friends with them. (Real friendship has nothing to do with popularity contests.)
I also realised that yelling and demanding obedience from kids causes a lot of harm.
I wrote:
Whenever we say such things as “Just do it!” or “I’m the parent!” or “I don’t want to hear another word!” we close down the lines of communication between our children and us. We erect a barrier. We break all connections.
Why are connections so important? When we are connected with our kids, we are the most important people in their lives. They feel loved and respected. They trust us. When they need guidance, they look to us for our opinion. They come to us when they need help. And it’s very likely that our connected kids will adopt our values and beliefs, the ones that we sometimes get so anxious about sharing with them.
Working on our connections might take a lot more effort than saying, “Do it, right this minute!” But surely it’s worth it? Don’t we all want to have strong bonds with our kids? It’s these bonds which allow us to be both parent and friend.
One thing I didn’t talk about in my story was the YouTuber’s ice cream and wine. Are these significant? Had this mother snuck away by herself to enjoy them? Was she having some alone time with some parents-only treats?
I wonder: what would happen if this mother decided to be both a parent and a friend to her kids?
Perhaps she wouldn’t get to eat the whole bucket of ice cream by herself. But shared ice cream is much better than ice cream that comes from a mothers-only bucket, isn’t it? Somehow the smiles on everyone’s faces makes it taste extra delicious.
And the wine? Maybe her children would say, “You look tired, Mum. Go sit down and rest while we wash the dishes.” They might steer her towards a comfortable chair. They might place a glass of wine in her hand. And she might look at her kids and think, “I love being friends with my kids. I’m glad I didn’t listen to all that advice about tough love.”
Perhaps this all sounds unrealistic. Would this really happen? Maybe I’m dreaming. No, I know. It happened to me.
I’m friends with my kids. What about you? Are you friends with yours?
Photo
My daughter Gemma-Rose gave me this beautiful hand painted wine glass. It travelled halfway across the world from an Etsy craftsperson in the northern hemisphere and arrived in perfect condition!
Inside the glass was something expensive and sparkly and absolutely delicious, a gift from a local winery. A rare treat!
Sue, first of all, that wine glass is gorgeous!! What a wonderful gift from your daughter.
I like your idea of sharing ice cream…it does make eating the treat so much nicer and happier. I want to be a parent whom they can see as a friend and a parent figure they can trust and know they can come to when they need me. It’s a beautiful thing to feel trusted and loved. I need God’s help in this every step of the way!
Your article is so lovely!!
Esther,
Oh yes, the wine glass is gorgeous. I’m almost afraid to use it in case I break it!
It is indeed beautiful when we feel trusted and loved. For that to happen, we need to be on the same side, don’t we? We can’t be battling with each other, parent against child.
It’s amazing what we can do with God’s grace. May He bless you and your beautiful family!
I’d be nervous too using that pretty wine glass. How do people even make things like that?!
As we start the new school year, I’m really trying to focus on good relationships and being unhurried. It’s the comparison thing that drives me crazy.
Thank you for the encouragement and support! Means a lot coming from a veteran educator like you.
Hope you have a great start to the week and are staying well.
Esther,
It’s so difficult not to compare ourselves to other people, isn’t it? I wonder why we lack the confidence to go our own way and not worry about outside expectations and opinions. When we keep our eyes on our kids, we can see that the most important thing we can do is to fulfil their needs and ignore everything and everyone else. Maybe we all need reminding about this occasionally! Yes, slow down and concentrate on our relationships! We are so privileged to have our kids, aren’t we?
I’m very well, Esther. I hope you are too! ❤️❤️
Being friends with your kids, real friends, the kind that won’t lead you astray and share in all the ups and downs, brings you young adults that come back home on a day off just to visit in person, kids that being their friends over, and ones that come to you with all of life’s struggles because they know they can trust you. ❤
Michelle,
It sounds like you are close friends with your kids! Oh yes, it’s wonderful when our young adults want to be part of our lives, isn’t it? I love how my older children come home eager to share their news, talk about their dreams and concerns, and just enjoy our company.
The YouTuber in my post said there will be plenty of time to be friends with our kids once they’ve grown up. But I think friendship begins during childhood. When our child reaches 18, we can’t suddenly turn around and say, “Now I’m willing to be your friend.” That doesn’t seem right to me.
It’s good to chat!