Questioning the Wisdom of Unconditional Love

Do you ever have doubts about your parenting? Do you ever wonder if your ideas are wrong?

The other day, I wrote something about unconditional love, and later, rereading my words, I began to doubt what I’d said. While sharing my thoughts in blog posts and Instagram captions, perhaps I’m passing on false ideas and leading people astray.

Here’s what I wrote:

We often talk about accepting our kids just as they are. But can we really do that? Surely we can’t accept our kids’ faults? Our children need to change and become better people. Could it be wrong to say they’re okay exactly as they are?

If we decide we shouldn’t accept our kids where they are right now, when will we accept them? When is the right time? When they have overcome one fault? Two? Three? All their faults? Never?

I have been alive much longer than my kids, and sadly, despite trying hard, I am far from perfect. Recognising this doesn’t diminish my desire to be accepted. I need to be accepted. And so do our kids.

When we accept someone, we love them with no conditions attached. And that kind of love is powerful: it changes people. It changes our kids and us because we all want to be worthy of such great love, don’t we? We want to be the best people we can be – spouses, parents, friends, children, and siblings.

I often hear this advice: “Parents, make sure your kids know who’s in charge. Don’t let them get away with anything. Stand firm. Discipline your children well.”

Discipline has been defined as:

‘The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behaviour, using punishment to correct disobedience.’

But do we really need to force kids to adopt an accepted code of behaviour? Do we need to withdraw our love and use punishments? Is there no other way? Or is it possible that kids will freely choose to do what is right if they experience unconditional love?

Unconditional love: is this a superpower? Can it change us, our kids, and the world?

Yesterday, I wondered what other people online are saying about unconditional love, so I did some googling and ended up on the Aha! Parenting website where I read an article called 5 Secrets to Love Your Child Unconditionally:

Does your child know through her own experience that she’s lovable, exactly as she is? That she isn’t expected to be perfect, that she is already more than enough? That her anger, disappointment, frustration and sadness are just part of being human, and that she can count on you to help her learn to manage those feelings so she doesn’t have to act on them? That she doesn’t have to be, or do, anything in particular to earn our love?

I thought, yes!

But then another Google search entry caught my eye: Unconditional Love: Why It’s Bad! It’s on the Psychology Today website.

The article suggests there are times for both unconditional and conditional love when parenting our kids. Our kids shouldn’t feel they must achieve well at school, etc., so we’ll love them. But they need to know that their behaviour does affect how we show our love to them:

Similarly, you should make your love conditional on whether your children behave like decent human beings, namely, they act on healthy values such as honesty, kindness, respect, and responsibility. If your children behave poorly, they know that you will withdraw your love—at least temporarily. If they behave well, they know that you will give your love. In time, your children will learn to internalise this healthy conditional love and it will guide them in acting in ethical ways.

Perhaps the author of the article, who is an expert in his field, thinks that constant unconditional love results in bratty and immature children who are ill-equipped to face the world. After pondering his words for a while, I wonder if he is describing what we’d call unparenting.

In my experience, unconditional love doesn’t produce self-centred and out-of-control children. Is that because we’re closely connected to our kids? We discuss things. We listen and care about each other. We’re willing to put others ahead of ourselves. We share our failings, show empathy, and help one another get back on our feet. 

We don’t need to make each other feel bad when our behaviour isn’t perfect by withdrawing our love. When we fail, we already feel bad, not because we feel unloved but because we have let down the people who love us through thick and thin and would never abandon us when we need them the most. We want to put things right. Do better. Become the people God created us to be.

Unconditional love is a superpower. It changes us. It changes our kids. It can change the world.

I write these words with confidence.

But what do you think?

What is your experience? Was love ever withdrawn from you as a child to influence your behaviour? Did it work? How did you feel? 

And do you ever have moments of doubt? How do you deal with them? Do you ignore them? Or do you think deeply about what you’re doing, listen to your kids and move on stronger than before?

Photos

My husband Andy and our youngest daughter Gemma-Rose.