Putting Our Kids Ahead of the Opinions of Other People

Have you ever put other people ahead of your kids? I have. And I wonder: how could I have done that when my kids mean so much to me? It doesn’t make sense, does it?

Years ago, there were many times when I cleaned my house rather than spend time with my children because I wanted my friends, who might drop by unexpectedly, to think I was wonderful. I followed my kids around picking up their toys as they dropped them. I washed and ironed clothes every day, producing piles of pristine dresses and shirts and t-shirts, not a stain or wrinkle in sight. I wanted my friends to wonder: “How does Sue do it? She has lots of kids, homeschools, and she still finds time to keep such a beautiful home. Why can’t I do what Sue does?”

When my kids weren’t happy or misbehaved in public or did something else that was potentially embarrassing, I said such things as, “How could you have done that! What will other people think? Never forget you are a reflection of our family.” I failed to show empathy and concern: how were my children feeling? What were they dealing with? Did they need my help? I didn’t realise that a family should close tightly around a troubled child or parent, providing a safe refuge from the outside world.

I missed opportunities to stand up for my kids, to listen to them, to give them what they needed, to make them feel loved more than anything or anyone else in the world. All I was worried about was impressing other people. I wanted to be accepted, liked, and have a fabulous parent reputation,

Looking back, it seems ironic that while I was trying to maintain my perfect parent image, I wasn’t actually being a good parent at all. And probably no one liked me that much either. Pride and perfection aren’t very attractive. They don’t form connections. Unless, of course, our friends have a similar outlook to us, sharing our ambitions. And even then, competitiveness can obliterate real friendship.

Why are we so anxious to be liked and accepted? Why don’t we have enough confidence to go our own way and do what we feel is right? Why do we worry what other people think of us? Are we all trying to fill holes deep within us, created during our own upbringings, the result of not being accepted for the people we actually are? Perhaps we need reassuring that we’re okay.

Imagine what would happen if we refused to do things only to please other people but instead listened to our kids. Would our children grow up feeling secure, loved, accepted for themselves, and confident? Would they, unlike us, not feel the need to model themselves on the opinions of others but be themselves, regardless of the consequences? Would they feel at peace?

Years ago, I parted ways with those friends that I was anxious to impress. I’m no longer important to them. Probably they don’t even remember me.

But, unlike those mothers, my kids are still here. And I now put them first and don’t worry what others think of us. I’ve learnt to look at the love in my children’s eyes to get a true picture of what parenting is all about rather than searching for answers elsewhere. As a family, we do what we feel is right regardless of everyone’s opinions.

Do you do that too?

Something Extra

I wrote a story, Impressing Other People, about those long ago days when I tried to impress my friends. Here’s an excerpt from it:

Years ago, we lived in a house with a white kitchen floor, a sea of shiny tiles that reflected the light. When I first saw that floor, I exclaimed with delight. It was beautiful.

Every day, I mopped my kitchen floor with care. Sometimes I mopped it more than once. I guarded it from dirt and spills, which wasn’t always easy because I had young children who were inclined to drop food crumbs and slosh milk. Whenever I found a little-person-trail upon my tiles, I’d frown and say,  “How did that happen? You’ll have to learn to be more careful!”

It wasn’t only my kitchen floor that I was concerned about. Oh no, I tried to keep my whole house sparkling clean. And mostly, I succeeded, which pleased me immensely because I soon had a reputation for having the cleanest house of all my friends: “I don’t know how you do it! Your home is always so neat and tidy. And so are your kids. You are a wonderful mother!”

If you’d like to read the rest of the story, you can find it here on my blog. It’s also in the new edition of my book, Radical Unschool Love!

Photos

Enjoying coffee and a wander around a local winery with my daughters, Imogen and Charlotte.