Preventing Childhood Trauma with Unconditional Love

Childhood trauma can follow us into adulthood, affecting what we do, how we feel about ourselves and how we relate to others. We can trace many of our adult problems back to something that happened as we were growing up. If we understand this, we’ll protect our kids, the best we can, from anything that might affect them adversely. But what about the trauma that’s disguised as ‘good’ parenting? Can we unintentionally harm our kids while trying to do what we think is right?

Perhaps we don’t think there’s anything wrong with the words that can fall so easily from our lips. We could assume it’s normal for parents to say such things as:

“Pull yourself together!”

“Stop crying! You’re too sensitive.”

“Don’t make such a fuss over nothing.”

“How could you have done that?”

“When are you going to grow up?”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.”

“What will people think?”

“What a stupid thing to do!”

“Cheer up. It’s not the end of the world.”

“What have you got to complain about?”

“What did you do to your hair?”

“What are you wearing?”

“Are you putting on weight?”

“Stop wasting your time and go do something useful.”

“You’ve got two left feet.”

Of course, our words reflect what we’re thinking, and the message our kids could receive from us is, “You’re not good enough as you are.” Of course, we could be very aware of the message we’re passing on. We might even think it’s one our kids need to hear. Could it be our parental duty to correct what we perceive as faults and change our children into the people we believe they should be? Maybe our intentions are good: we think we know best because we’re older and have more experience. We’re just trying to help. But do we help our kids by doing this? No. All we’re doing is squashing the unique and wonderfully awesome people they really are, making our kids unhappy and creating problems for the future.

Kids need to feel loved, so they’ll likely adapt their behaviour, hiding who they really are to please their parents or avoid the negative consequences of not being the people their parents insist they be. I wonder: how many adults carry their real selves inside them, hidden deep within?

Our kids need to be accepted and feel loved for who they are. So what do we do? Oh, there is so much I could say! Here are a few thoughts. (You could stop by and add your own.)

When children are small, we should forget about such techniques as time out and controlled crying that are meant to change their behaviour and instead respond to their needs. We must value what’s important to our children. Encourage their dreams instead of making them fulfil ours. Listen to their opinions rather than impose ours on them. Accept how they feel instead of brushing their feelings away. Take delight in our kids, looking at them with wonder and awe. Be grateful that we’re their parents instead of complaining they’re spoiling our lives. Be patient. Forgive their mistakes. Show empathy rather than disappointment. Connect rather than drive away. Trust our children. They will get where God means them to go.

In other words, we should love our kids unconditionally. If we do this, they won’t question whether they’re good enough or not. They’ll know they’re okay. They can be themselves, confident, secure, aware they’re valuable and their lives have purpose. And if you’re worried that’s not enough, I know that love will spur them on to correct any faults. My kids’ unconditional love is working on me.

Parenting with unconditional love might sound daunting. What if we make mistakes? Because however hard we try, we’re never going to be perfect parents, are we? We’ll have bad days and say and do the wrong things. We’ll make mistakes. But that’s okay. I’ve discovered that unconditionally loved kids love us unconditionally in return. Together, we forgive and encourage each other to become the people we were created to be.

Trust, Respect and Love Unconditionally

I once had an insightful conversation with my daughter Sophie about unconditional love and children that I recorded as a podcast. In episode 70, we explored the following questions:

• Should every parent respect and love their children unconditionally?
• Do all children feel loved unconditionally? If not, why not?
• How does Sophie know I love her?
• Do all parents talk to their children with respect? If not, what does Sophie think they’re doing wrong?
• Why do parents criticise their children and what does criticism do to them? Does it result in a child trying harder?
• How can a parent encourage a child to overcome her faults?
• Is it really necessary to change our children? Do all children have to be the same?
• What do misbehaving children need?
• Do we gossip about our children?
• Is writing down our thoughts and feelings valuable?
• What is trust? How can trust grow between parent and child?
• Do we judge people on their appearance? Including children?
• Am I a perfect mother? Have I got everything worked out? Or is it okay if I make mistakes?

Podcast episode 70:

Accepting, Respecting and Loving Unconditionally: An Unschooler’s Thoughts

I transcribed part of episode 70, sharing some of our conversation.

Accepting, Respecting, and Loving Unconditionally: An Unschooler’s Thoughts

In episode 70 of my podcast, Trust, Respect, and Love Unconditionally. my daughter Sophie shared some very insightful thoughts about respecting kids, accepting them for who they are, and making them feel unconditionally loved. Here is a transcript of part of our conversation. Sophie was 15 at the time of this podcast interview. Sue: When you listen to other families talking to ...

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When We Have Doubts

Even when we know what’s right, there are still times when we question what we’re doing.

Not so long ago, even though I knew kids need unconditional love, a little doubt crept into my mind. I wondered: is giving unconditional love to our kids wise? I explored this question in my story, Questioning the Wisdom of Unconditional Love.

Questioning the Wisdom of Unconditional Love

Do you ever have doubts about your parenting? Do you ever wonder if your ideas are wrong? The other day, I wrote something about unconditional love, and later, rereading my words, I began to doubt what I'd said. While sharing my thoughts in blog posts and Instagram captions, perhaps I'm passing on false ideas and leading people astray. Here's what I wrote: We often talk about accepting our kids just as they are. But can we really do that? Surely we can't accept our kids' faults? ...

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What Other Unschoolers Are Saying About Unconditional Love

Kindness and Unconditional Love – What do they have to do with Unschooling, Part 1, an episode of the Virtual Kitchen Table podcast

Kindness and Unconditional Love – What do they have to do with Unschooling? Part 2, an episode of the Virtual Kitchen Table podcast

I Love You Unconditionally from The Happiness is Here website

Healing from Sandra Dodd’s website

The Power of Unconditional Love in Parenting

Dr Gabor Mate talks and writes about childhood trauma and the need for unconditional love. Checkout his videos on YouTube.

Recent Podcasts

I’ve been turning my blog posts into podcasts. Did you notice? I’ve been sharing some of my stories and additional thoughts in each episode. Why not subscribe to my Stories of an Unschooling Family podcast? If you do that, you’ll know when this post becomes a podcast too!

The Podcast Version of This Post

Radical Unschool Love

There are lots of unconditional love stories in my book, Radical Unschool Love.

One More Thought

I heard these words this morning:

God loves you because you are you.

Yes, God loves us unconditionally. So, shouldn’t we love our kids the same way?

So, what do you think?

What do you think of unconditional love? Do you worry it will spoil your children? Or does everyone deserve to be loved unconditionally? Is this the kind of love we and our kids need?