Why do some parents want to impose their opinions on their children? Do they do this because they care? Perhaps they want their teenagers to benefit from their experience. Prevent them from going down wrong pathways and making mistakes, ones they might have made when they were younger. Maybe it feels safer to force their teenagers to adopt the ideas they think are right rather than let them develop their opinions for themselves.
Sometimes it can look like teenagers have accepted their parents’ opinions. But do they really agree or have they learnt that it’s best to keep what they think to themselves? Perhaps they feel their parents don’t value what they have to say. When they share their thoughts or ideas or opinions, their parents might cut them off: Where did you get that idea from? That’s ridiculous! This is what you should be thinking… The parent is communicating: I’m the adult and you’re the child. Listen to my opinion because it’s right. And this is frustrating for children. They learn not to share anything with their parents because they don’t want to be lectured every time they open their mouths.
Deep in their hearts, parents know when their teenagers haven’t taken on board their beliefs or opinions. It’s impossible for them to relax and say: They know what they’re doing so I don’t have to worry. They realise that their children don’t own the opinions, that they don’t really belong to them. So they have to keep checking. Find ways of determining whether their kids still have the same opinions and beliefs as them. Keep repeating what they believe to be right.
So how do we deal with any differences in opinion? Well, we can’t say, “You’re wrong!” That’s not the way to get our kids to listen and accept what we have to say. Instead, we can talk together. Share our point of view with a light hand. Listen with interest to theirs. Allow our teenagers to have their opinions even if they are different from ours. If we think they are way off track then we should trust – because we are closely connected to them – that they will eventually come to realise that. With our love and respect and support, they will get to the right place in their own time.
Of course, teenagers sometimes have very good opinions of their own. Adults aren’t always right…
Adapted from some thoughts my daughter Imogen shared in podcast episode 11: Teenagers, Rules and Rebellion.
The other day, I went to town with my teenage daughter Sophie to do some street photography. In the above photo, Sophie is standing on the main street outside Ruby’s, a shop that sells liqueurs, wine and spirits. Despite enjoying an odd glass of red wine, I’ve never been inside this shop. However, we often visit Kish, a jewellery shop, which is close by. It’s one of our favourite places for buying special gifts!
As usual, Sophie and I chatted as we took photos. Sophie is exploring a few new ideas which she wanted to tell me about. Perhaps we will record a podcast together and she can share them with you too.
I was just thinking of you and your family again this morning and was very happy to be notified of this post in my email inbox this evening. 🙂
This is an important issue that you raise and I have come across a number of online articles recently advising parents to focus on connecting with their children and teenagers more than trying to control them.
I think many parents do want their children to agree with them to keep them “safe” but it comes at a relational cost. I believe we should allow our children to make up their own minds and form their own opinions as it gives them practice for when they’ll need to do it after moving out of home and living the rest of their lives themselves. The more someone is controlled, the more they will want to rebel is what I have observed. I agree with you in what to do if there are differences in opinion with our children – we have to let them be their own persons but assure them of our continual love for them and trust is an important part of that.
Another podcast with you and Sophie would be wonderful, but no pressure! I hope things are going well for you all. 🙂
Alison,
It’s so good to receive your comment. It seems like a very long time since we last connected.
Yes, connection rather than control. And I like your words about allowing our kids to practice while they are at home with us. I’ve been thinking a lot about that. Kids who haven’t had the opportunity to explore their opinions don’t have the confidence to be themselves when they set off into the world.
Sophie and I have been pondering a few podcast ideas together. Hopefully, we’ll record something soon!
I hope all is well with you and your family!
Thank you, Sue, for providing yet another “food for thought” on a silver platter.
My children are still too young but even now none of them like to be patronized. I cannot tell my four-year-old to eat a broccoli simply because I believe it is better for her health than a peanut butter jelly sandwich. She is fully capable of constructing an argument to prove herself right. I can then dismiss her argument as being “silly” and make an adult announcement such as “you may not leave the table until your plate is empty” (as many of my friends told me they behave towards their kids. In fact they call it “a secret weapon” to make their kids try new foods). Now, what if I did something like that to my husband? What if one day or every day or every minute of every day I would say “put that beer down and drink a cup of tea instead”, or “stop watching TV for a minute and go outside, ride your bike —fresh air is so much better for you”, or “put that bag of potato chip back in the pantry and have a carrot instead”. I wonder how long our relationship would last?
Yet, we disregard kids’ wishes and lecture them all the time, sometimes without even noticing it.
Alas, it becomes a bad habit and we continue doing it through the teenage years as well. The only difference is that teenagers are physically bigger and stronger, and more expressive, and louder, and harder NOT to take into consideration especially when they can simply get up and slam the door into our faces.
I suppose controlling and patronizing others make us feel superior, make us feel good about ourselves in the sense that we possess certain knowledge that others lack, make us feel worth something. It is very difficult to simply let go and let the teenagers be. Maybe one of the ways to accomplish that would be for a parent to find a new passion: music, gardening, chorus sining, cars, becoming an adjunct university lecturer, etc. That way the parent can turn from the big know-it-all back to the world explorer, and can gain the sense of worthiness “from other sourses”.
One thing I know for sure: if we do not make conscious choices on these issues, we end up just like our parents (which, of course, in some cases might not be such a bad idea).
Take care,
Natasha
Natasha,
I think if we want to have good relationships with our teenagers, it’s easier if we put in the groundwork when they are young. Don’t wait until the teenage years to build up connections. Instead, respect the wishes and opinions of our little kids as you described rather than control them. If we do this, it’s more likely our teenagers will listen to us and trust our opinions.
Finding new passions… This is what I love about unschooling. We’re all in this together. We’re all learning and trying to become better people. We all have our passions. Life is too busy and fulfilling to worry about feeling superior, isn’t it?
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our kids wanted to become just like us?!
It’s been good chatting with you. Thank you so much for stopping by!
Hi Sue, I know from having 4 children that each of them has a personality and a character all their own. Not one of them shares everything that I or my husband believe. Or even think is important. But yet they’re all strong individuals who I believe are Guided by the Lord, and even if they’re not quite where we would want them to be at any particular time in their lives they are still individuals who do deserve respect and time to figure things out. As I was reminded recently by a program I was listening to on the radio, children are a gift from God and are given to us for a season to raise and train but ultimately to release to fulfill whatever the Lord has for their lives. So good to read a new post from you as always your blogs are very encouraging. Hope your family is all doing well. We are enjoying the happy Lazy Days of Summer. Love you much, Nancy
Nancy,
Yes, our kids don’t always agree with us. Sometimes we learn from their opinions. And sometimes we just have to trust they’ll get where they should be going. Maybe they just need time to work things out for themselves as you mentioned. I’m sure God has it all in hand.
I’m glad I wrote a blog post and you commented. It’s great to connect with you! We’re all well apart from some winter colds. Lots of happy lazy, summer days sound good!
Sending much love back to you!
I have only had my doubts since my eldest moved out and began making bad choices. I do my best to continue to respect my younger children’s opinions, etc, but not everyone has a houseful of “success stories” to look back on. I can’t help but worry that the other children will follow suit. I was not expecting the things that have happened in the past two years, and so a lot of theories have been shaken. Not everyone starts out looking to control their children, but when things turn out badly and people start pointing the finger and saying it is because you weren’t strict enough, etc, it is easy to blame yourself.
Kristyn,
It’s hard watching our kids make bad choices, isn’t it? It makes us doubt what we’re doing. I write a lot of good unschooling stories, but I’ve also experienced some dark days when I’ve questioned everything. I’ve wondered what gives me the right to write about unschooling when my family isn’t perfect. There have been times when I’ve wanted to delete my blogs in case I lead anyone astray. But always, I have returned to the idea that we have to do what is right and unschooling is certainly right. We have to respect our kids and love them unconditionally and not control them but instead trust. It might feel safer to keep a tight rein on our children, but I don’t think that’s the answer. Even though we feel responsible when our kids make bad choices, we have to recognise they have free will.
People are so quick to point the finger, aren’t they? It’s much easier to criticise others rather than encourage and support them. Tell them where they have gone wrong and what they should do. But I wonder how many kids who have been brought up strictly rebel as soon as they get a chance.
Kristyn, I’m very sorry to hear you’re feeling worried about your children. I hope that things do work out. I have cried a lot over my kids, but I’ve also smiled a lot too. It’s a special moment when our trust is rewarded and our children decide for themselves that they’re going to live by the values that are important to us. They return stronger and more committed than before. I hope you experience this too.