Parenting Without Fear

Last Monday, as I walked into the supermarket ahead of my daughter Charlotte, she stopped and said, “Wait!” She waved a hand towards the flower display next to the shop entrance. “I’d like to buy you some flowers. Which ones would you like?”

A smile spread across my face as I looked at the roses, chrysanthemums, daisies, and proteas, trying to decide what I’d like. Perhaps I should choose the least expensive ones? “No, Mum, I want to buy you the flowers you like best!”

I came home with a beautiful bouquet, an unexpected gift I enjoyed every time I looked towards the place I’d put my vase: the coffee table in front of the sofa, my favourite place to sit.

When my kids were younger, sometimes I’d notice them looking at something on a shop shelf, and I’d say, “Which one would you like to take home?” Or I’d see things while shopping by myself and think, “Sophie… Gemma-Rose… Callum… would love that!” I’d buy it, bring it home and give it to the appropriate child.

Maybe we get worried about spoiling our kids. Should we be careful what we give them because they might expect something every time we go shopping? And what if we have more than one child? If we buy something for one of them, will we have to buy something for everyone? That’s only fair, isn’t it?

Despite the warnings, I still bought gifts for no reason except to spread joy. And nothing terrible happened. Being generous never led to my kids begging for more whenever we went shopping. They always appreciated whatever I gave them. The child who received a gift would smile with delight. And those who didn’t get anything were happy too. They’d share in the joy.

It’s wonderful when we are happy for each other, isn’t it? When we don’t compare and keep a balance sheet and worry about fairness. And it’s wonderful when someone wants to visibly show their love for us.

I still buy unexpected gifts: a bag of nuts, a book, a bottle of nail polish, or even a tiny Freddy Frog or Caramello Koala. These days, I place my gifts on the appropriate person’s pillow and wait for my family to discover them when they return home from work. Pillow presents have become ‘my thing’, a way to say, “I thought of you today. I love you so very much.”

This week, I have a new bouquet to enjoy. A couple of days ago, when I was too unwell to accompany Charlotte when she went shopping, she said she’d bring home ‘something nice’ to cheer me up. She returned with a gorgeous sunflower surrounded by white chrysanthemums and greenery. Now and then, I stop writing this post and glance up at my flowers; joy fills my heart. I feel very loved indeed.

Our kids learn so much from us, don’t they? Will they learn to be afraid? Or will they follow our example, ignore the warnings and do things that might not seem sensible to most people? Will they spread joy and show their love? Will our kids do this because we choose to parent them without fear?

Have you read my story Sometimes We Don’t Need a Good Reason? When Gemma-Rose was eight, she had a Ken doll that had to wear Barbie’s dresses because all his pants were worn out. Hearing about Ken’s plight, I headed into town to buy him a new outfit. But I returned home with something different, something that made my youngest daughter’s eyes light up with joy as she asked, “For me? Is it mine?” This story is in my book Radical Unschool Love.