Parenting: Doing Our Inadequate Best

Do you ever look back – a few years, months or even days – at your younger self and wish you could have done better? Perhaps you remember dragon parent days when you failed to be gentle. Could you have said things you now regret? I know I do.

Sometimes, I want to go back and put things right. But even if it were possible to retrace my steps, perhaps it’s unnecessary to begin again. Maybe I just need to reassure myself that I did my best at that time. It might not have been what my kids needed, but it was all I could do because of who I was.

I’m not the same person I was when I first became a mother. That woman had loads of enthusiasm but no experience. She wanted to love but didn’t really understand what love was all about. She needed time to learn and grow.

We can’t change who we used to be, can we? We have to accept our younger selves. We should recognise those people were our starting points. And have compassion on them.

If we had compassion, would our willingness to forgive ourselves spread to those around us? Would we be more inclined to have compassion for our kids? Would they learn to be compassionate, too?

What about parents who are less experienced than us, especially those who want to unschool? Does our compassion encourage us to have empathy with them and share our stories instead of telling them they’re doing it all wrong? Instead of feeling superior, do we remember our younger parenting days and build people up and not squash them flat?

When I’m older, will I look back at today and wish I’d done some things differently? Of course! We’re constantly changing, aren’t we? That’s a good sign. Imagine if we remained the same.

I sometimes wonder about our oldest kids who, unfortunately, got the inexperienced parents. They had to endure us as we began our struggle to work out what parenting and love are all about. That doesn’t seem fair. Why would God allow our inexperience to risk our kids’ well-being and happiness? All I can conclude is that He understands and fills in our parenting gaps. It has to be part of His plan.

I used to think if we asked God to make up for our inadequacies, our kids would emerge from childhood as perfect people. We’d grin with pride at our flawless kids and shout, “Look what we did with God’s help!” As an experienced mother, I know things don’t happen this way. Our children will have challenges and make mistakes regardless of our efforts and prayers. They’d have them even if it were possible for us to be perfect parents.

So what do we do? Despair? No, we keep moving forward, doing what we believe is right, guided by our faith, loving our children the best we can, and praying they receive what they need to work things out whenever life gets difficult for them.

When I first set out as a mother, I did my best. It was inadequate but it was all I could do because of who I was. But, with time, my love and understanding grew. So did my compassion. Perhaps you understand. Is that the way it’s happening for you?

Dragon Mother Stories

I shared some of my dragon mother stories in episode 118 of my Stories of an Unschooling Family podcast. I relistened to it before including it in this post. Despite having recorded it a long time ago, it’s still relevant. Maybe it’s still okay!

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