Should unschooled kids be forced to go to church? I wonder if this is the wrong question to ask when our kids protest about coming with us. Would it be better to ask, Why doesn’t my child want to go to church?
In this week’s podcast, I talk about this question as well as :
- The importance of trying to see the world through our kids’ eyes
- How we’re not giving in to our kids when we respond to their needs
- How we should respond to the needs of our kids even if it’s inconvenient or difficult
- How making kids feel welcome at church isn’t a matter of tolerating their crying during the service
- The trials of aspiring authors
- How we have to be brave and do things without worrying about the opinions of others
I also share some stories about:
- Kangaroos and dogs and the late rising sun
- A child who cried in a restaurant because he couldn’t cope
Show Notes
Game-Making Website
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Blog Posts
Podcast music
Twombly by Podington Bear, (CC BY-NC 3.0)
When it comes to sharing our faith with our kids, I am talking from my own experience which may be different from yours. My husband Andy and I share a faith. We both go to church. When it comes to passing on our beliefs, I’m sure we have it easy compared to families where spouses have differing religious beliefs or levels of commitment.
Also, I don’t want to look like I’ve got everything all worked out: “Do as I say and everything will be okay.” No, sometimes things don’t go the way we hope, despite our best efforts. Whatever we do, however hard we try to pass on our love of our faith, our kids have free will and might not choose to do what we believe is best for them. At least for a time. Because we never know what will happen in the future. Sometimes we just have to keep trusting that they’ll get there in the end.
Years ago, I had a wobbly moment in my faith life. Actually, I’ve had many. I feel sad about these times. I wish I could have done better. When I expressed my regrets to our parish priest, he said that maybe that’s the way things had to happen. We learn from all our experiences. God uses everything for our good, even our mistakes. I know that if God can set me back on track, He can do that for anyone. Including our kids.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Are they different from mine? Please feel welcome to stop by and continue the conversation!
Great podcast Sue. My teen daughter sat holding her two year old sister for over an hour as she slept last night. It was so sweet. She is so sweet. Shortly afterward we forced her to go to a geneology activity for youth at church. She hates these activities. She did go. She smiled at the activity despite being uncomfortable and apologized to me when she got home. It’s tough being a parent. Sometimes when the words “why can’t you just…” start to come out of my mouth I realize that I’m talking about an activity I would be nervous about. But it would be nice to be the parent of an easy going child!
Venisa,
You are so right: It is tough being a parent! Sometimes it’s hard to know what to do when our kids don’t want to join in with things that we think they’ll enjoy once they get there. Should we give them a little nudge or not? It sounds like your daughter was glad she went to the church activity.
I used to wish some of my kids were easier going, but then I realised they are very special just as they are. I know this is true for your daughter as well!
Thanks Sue!
We have chosen to not force our Nathan to go to church with us. Part of it is his special needs and also we feel that if we make it a go or else, that he will resist and it will push him further away from the Lord. Like it says in the Bible train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. We can’t say we have it figured out but that is the best direction we feel at this point.
Nancy,
Oh yes, if we tell kids they have to do something, it only makes them even more reluctant to do it. They do indeed resist. Perhaps with time, Nathan will decide for himself that he wants to go to church with you. That would be much better than forcing him, wouldn’t it? Thank you so much for sharing your experience. May God bless you!
Hi Sue,
I’d like to get in touch with you (off blog). How do I do that?
Thanks!
Rachael
Hi Rachael,
I sent you an email. I look forward to hearing from you!
Thank you for your blog 🙂
Riley,
You’re welcome! Thank you so much for your comment. I feel encouraged to keep writing and podcasting!
If parents have a ‘living faith’ i.e. a relationship with God, rather than a
ritualistic, cultural religion, it’s more likely the children will see that
and desire to also be filled with the spirit , who helps , guides , comforts,
and speaks to them where they are; truly the pearl of great price!
Hoping this is helpful.
Margaret,
You are so right about the need for parents to have a living faith. Yes, it has to be visible in our everyday lives. Our kids need to see us living it.
I’ve thought a lot about rituals. We have many within our church and I wasn’t always comfortable with them. (I am a convert to Catholicism.) But I’ve discovered that rituals have meaning. We do them for a reason. They are actually sources of grace. Of course, our kids (and parents) have to understand what the rituals are all about, why we do them. Just performing them, going through the motions, without understanding means nothing. Yes, that doesn’t add up to a living faith at all. Perhaps those of us who do belong to a ritualistic religion need to understand our faith well, truly believe in it, live it, and talk about what it means to us in order to pass on to our children that desire to belong and worship in this way, so that they too have their own relationships with God.
Good to chat. Thank you for stopping by!
Der Sue,
wie are part of a very traditional catholic community. Children are expexted to sit quietly, and it breaks my heart to see that parents actually drag their children out oft service and smack them for disbehaving. Apart from the horrible fact as such, it doesn’t seem to have trickled into their minds that this is illegal in my country. Realizing that there is no way to convince these parents that this is so very wrong (they hit their children, then go in to communion totally unperturbed) I have already considered reporting the most cruel and hard hitting ones to child services. We seem to be the only ones with a totally different approach, seemingly a lot like yours.
Our now 4 year old doesn’t like church. He’d love to stay home altogether. I spend a great deal of time outside of church (where I geht to see how other parents handle the situation)) We only go in for the most important parts, and he handles that well I think. But I can’t help wondering if dragging him there is wrong altogether. Shouldn’t I rather stay home rather than bribing and coercing? Can you remember at what age your children went to church out of free will? My 8 year old is perfectly behaved and understands the importance of going to church, but will admit it’s often long and boring- and I can and do sympthize!
Yours, Barbara
Barbara,
Oh yes, it doesn’t seem right to smack children for not being able to sit still at Mass. It breaks my heart too. Like you, we have found ourselves the odd family out because we refused to use harsh methods to control our children.
“…they hit their children, then go in to communion totally unperturbed.” That seems so wrong to me as well. I wonder if some parents think it’s their duty to discipline their kids in this way: Spare the rod and spoil the child. But I can’t see how doing that will ever make kids love going to Mass. It just turns everything into a very negative experience. Some people told me that if I ‘gave in’ to my kids by letting them leave the church, they would take advantage of me and never learn to sit still. They were wrong!
We always took all of our kids to Mass except for the odd occasion when someone wasn’t feeling well. Our kids didn’t question it. They never protested. And we didn’t force them. Going to Mass has always been a family thing to do even now when we have adult children who could decide not to come with us. But saying that, it’s quite okay not to take young children to Mass. St Therese’s parents didn’t take her until she got to a certain age. But I guess you’re hoping that a day will arrive when your younger son wants to go to Mass with you.
Could you share some stories about Mass? The other day, I was watching an episode of the video series ‘The Story of the Eucharist’ on the Formed website. Included in the episode was the story of the young Chinese girl who, after witnessing soldiers desecrating the church and throwing the tabernacle on the floor, returned to the church each night for 32 nights so that she could spend time in adoration before consuming the Hosts. Stories like this inspire all of us with a love for the Eucharist. The other one my children love is the story of St Tarsicius. Imogen chose this saint as her confirmation saint.
The other thing I used to do was share little snippets about the Mass with my children. We’d talk about the angels who are present at every Mass. I’d describe the moment of consecration as a portal between Heaven and Earth. That’s such a fascinating thought, isn’t it?! I still share things I read with my kids. The Mass can indeed seem long and boring especially to kids, but maybe we can strew books and videos and have conversations that will pass on our awe and love for it to our kids.
It’s been good chatting with you! May God bless you and your family!