When we choose to do things differently from those around us, it’s rarely simple. Although we might say that it’s okay for everyone to do what suits their own family – which is true – somehow it’s hard not to be affected by each other’s choices and opinions.
As unschoolers, we might get criticised for our choices. Some people want to give us advice. They think we’re making a big mistake and feel compelled to say something. I guess they’re well-meaning. They might just not understand what we’re doing. Unschooling can sound a bit crazy, can’t it?
Maybe we can shrug off other people’s criticism, but what if someone thinks we’re criticising them? If we’ve chosen a different pathway, does it look like we think what others are doing is wrong? Because if we thought their way was okay, wouldn’t we have chosen it too?
I might say that unschooling is the right way to live. (I often do!) Someone who isn’t unschooling could translate that into “I think your way of living is wrong.”
“Love unconditionally” turns into “I don’t love unconditionally? Is that what you’re saying?”
“We can’t make kids learn anything they don’t want to know about” might give someone the idea that unschoolers think that parents are wasting their time making their kids learn what parents feel is important.
If I explain why I never sent my kids to school, do teachers and parents of school kids get upset when they read my words? For, of course, my reasons might sound like a criticism of their choices and even their vocation.
Someone did once take offence at something I wrote. I was very surprised by how upset this person became. It was hard dealing with the hurt feelings especially as I hadn’t intended to be critical. I think about what went wrong. Was I just insensitive with my words or was the other person too quick to take offence? Looking back, I think the only way to have avoided the conflict would have been for me to have stayed quiet. Perhaps I shouldn’t have expressed my opinion.
Keeping quiet and not telling anyone what we truly believe is one way of avoiding possible conflict. I used to do this a lot. When parents were talking about homeschooling or parenting, I’d stay quietly in the background. If I’d revealed what we were doing – which was different from everyone else -maybe someone would have thought that I was criticising their choices.
There are still times when I refrain from talking about my opinions. Which is all rather silly because anyone can find out what I think and what our family is doing by reading this blog or my books or by listening to my podcasts. Our life is hardly a secret.
Perhaps staying quiet isn’t the answer. We’re all entitled to have opinions, aren’t we? And you never know: someone might need to hear what we have to say. Also, we might learn something by engaging in discussions with people who have different opinions to us. We’re not always right.
So what do we do? Express our opinions in a way that involves respect for other people? And refuse to take offence at other people’s words? Because, although we often have no control over what people say, we can choose how we respond. We could assume that other people aren’t out to intentionally hurt us. Maybe they just don’t understand what we’re doing. Could they feel insecure? Is that why they’re getting upset? Of course, it might be us who’s feeling insecure and defensive.
If other people’s opinions do make us feel upset, maybe dismissing them isn’t the best thing to do. If we’re brave and discuss the issues, two things could happen. After closer examination, we could end up feeling more certain of our opinion. Our confidence will rise. Then other people’s opinions won’t have the same power over us. Or we might change our minds about what we believe. Either way, the outcome is good.
Did you hear that I was invited to speak about unschooling in Canberra last Saturday? The thoughts in this post resulted from some conversations I had with the Canberra unschoolers. We concluded that choosing the less travelled pathway is sometimes difficult. But we still have to do what we feel is right for our families. Which is what everyone should be free to do, isn’t it? Without criticising or taking offence. Just accepting each other’s choices.
Something Extra
A blog post and podcast about criticism:
Dealing with Our Fear and Other People’s Critical Comments
There’s a section called Criticism and Fear in my unschooling book Curious Unschoolers.
Photos
My daughter Sophie took these photos of sister Imogen while we were visiting the National Museum of Australia which is in Canberra. The museum building is stunning, a feast for the eyes, and full of meaning.
Unless we are openly attacking someone else or the choices or being rude to someone else, I think it’s really the person who is getting offended who has some soul searching to do. If you say something to me and it hits a nerve, it’s because there’s some part of me that fears what you are saying might be true or that is insecure or has doubts or some kind of other issue with the topic in my own life. There is no flow unless your plug-in somehow fits into my socket.
I realize that about myself. When someone is bringing up something and I immediately get defensive for example, I know that there is a part of me that feels insecure or doubtful about that. If I would feel happy, content and secure, I would simply realize that what this person says is not true for me and there would be no emotional reaction.
So I think it is not our job to cover and hide in order not to create strong, negative reactions in someone else. Again, of course that only applies if we’re being polite. If we are just being rude and attacking another person, there is clearly something we have to work on.
Personally, I find it still difficult. I want people to get along, to feel comfortable. I am a bit of a people pleaser. But it is important to speak our truth, especially if we’re not following the well trotted path.
I heard a beautiful quote the other day how convenience and growth do not even live in the same zip code.
Stepping out of our comfort zones is difficult and you do this with your blog and podcast. Maybe, by doing so, we rattle some people and hopefully some of them will look inside and grow because of that encounter as well, even if they had perceived it as offensive and negative at first.
The hard part for us is moving through these encounters with grace and accepting that everyone has their own work to do and to not take it personal.
One step at a time I guess.
Calla,
Sometimes it’s hard to question why we feel upset by someone else’s words, isn’t it? It’s much easier to feel offended. The other person is to blame.
Like you, I want to get along with other people so I try and avoid conflict. There are times when I stay silent. But we shouldn’t have to hide what we believe and who we are as long as we are polite and respectful.
Oh yes, blogging and podcasting has pushed me out of my comfort zone. Although it feels risky at times, it’s also a good opportunity to grow!
I think you are right Sue. People can get very defensive about choices that don’t fit in to the typical norm. I have had well meaning (I think?) people tell me they don’t agree with homeschooling of any kind. One of these same people (neighbor) told me he had an article out of the newspaper for me to read to prove that some homeschool kids don’t like being homeschooled and grow up to feel like they somehow “missed out”. You know “helpful stuff”. ?. I didn’t get into a big deal with him because it doesn’t matter what his opinion is… we are going to make choices that suit our family. That doesn’t stop some from wanting to tell you where you are wrong. I tend towards giving people the benefit of the doubt, that they mean well most of the time, they are just uninformed. Otherwise, it can be very annoying.
But I give you credit Sue, it takes guts to put yourself in the spotlight and talk about unschooling at times. There are people who feel you are attacking their vocation by not wanting your kids in school. Family can be particularly hard especially if they are teachers. It’s a balancing act. You defend your ideas very well by making good, fair points and not pushing it on anyone. As always, thanks for all your efforts.?
Deb,
Yes, it can be annoying when well-meaning people insist on giving us ‘helpful stuff’ or want to share their opinion. A long time ago, an older woman at our parish thought it was her duty to warn me about homeschooling. She didn’t agree with it. Some time later, after getting to know our family better, the woman told me she thought homeschooling wasn’t that bad after all! So maybe people will change their minds when they realise that none of their dire predictions are going to come true. Our kids are growing into confident and capable people.
It can be tricky talking about unschooling with teachers. I get lots of practice because, as you know, Andy is a school teacher. We have good conversations about education. I admire what Andy does within an imperfect system. He works hard to educate kids who don’t have the same opportunities as ours. And Andy supports me, recognising that unschooling is a better choice. But not all teachers see it that way.
Having friends who encourage me makes it easy to keep sharing unschooling in a public way. Thank you!
When I first took my children out of school a really close friend of mine took to repeatedly telling me how her children/family would never want to do that. They were too social, etc. At first I kept quiet and just listened to what she had to say. I tried not to take offence. Several months later, after hearing this almost daily I had to say something. All I said was that I understood that they wanted to keep their kids in school, and that I did not expect anyone else to do what we were doing. Speaking up seems like it was a bit of a mistake, though, because I ended up losing that friend.
Aside from that I want to tell you how much we appreciate you telling your family’s stories to the world. You have been very inspirational to our family, and provide continual reassurance to me as the doubts of society creep into my mind. Thank-you!!!
Dawn ,
I’m sorry to hear you lost a friend because you spoke up. It doesn’t seem right that she thought it was okay to tell you her opinion, but you weren’t allowed to say anything in return. It’s sad when our friends can’t accept our choices. I hope other friends have come into your life, ones who are supporting and encouraging you.
I’m so glad you find my stories reassuring. Thank you so much for telling me. I appreciate your kind words!
I have found dealing with other people’s criticisms to be challenging. In fact, I don’t usually open up to people about unschooling unless I think they’re in a similar frame of mind, are familiar with the concept, or ask specially.
I think that as unschooling newbies and not having local support or unschooling friends, we’ve been in search of supportive encouragement as we begin this new journey.
I also try not to make value judgements about what others are doing and I try to be supportive and encouraging as well.
Honestly, it’s been unpleasant when we’ve opened up to people, only to be judged or told that what we are doing is ‘wrong’.
I feel like this type of judgement is especially hard when we are just forming our new unschooling beliefs. As moms, we love our children so much and obviously want what’s best for them. That’s why we’ve chosen this life!
Hopefully down the road I’ll build more confident lol and these things won’t bother me at all! Maybe I’ll feel called to be more outspoken then!
Amber,
It’s hard when other people think we’re putting our kids at risk by unschooling. Yes, don’t they think we love our kids and want the best for them?
I think a big problem with unschooling is that not many people actually understand what it is and how it works. There’s a lot of negative stories about unschooling on the Internet. People feel compelled to warn us about its dangers, how it’s an irresponsible way to bring up and educate kids. The media likes to portray unschooling in a sensational way, maybe because that attracts readers. If more people understood what unschooling really is, would it have fewer critics? We need more good news stories. Of course, that’s why I write this blog!
But we’re not all in a position to put ourselves in the public eye, or even open ourselves up to the criticism of our families and friends. There are certainly times when we need to protect ourselves and our children by remaining quiet. But who knows what will happen down the track? Amber, you may indeed end up being more outspoken!
Sue, I’m very grateful that you do share your perspective solidly and yet, somehow you manage to do it very diplomatically. I actually chuckled when I read that someone was very offended by your words, not because I find it funny that someone was upset, but more out of disbelief. – you’re always so respectful with your wording.
I agree with you that we are all entitled to our opinion though and for those who do so less carefully than you, that’s OK too. As long as someone isn’t being hateful or disrespectful, it’s great to have different types of voices.
The idea of my choices offending someone who is making different ones is something I’ve thought about an awful lot over the years. Even worse to me is the idea that if I say too much about how well things are going, someone might think I’m bragging, lol! Of course that’s not my intention at all. Sometimes its just nice to share but it’s also a bit of a harder conversation when the growth your kids have isn’t as concrete as something school-oriented like being on the honour roll, etc. I often think carefully about how to word things so it doesn’t sound like I’m taking credit when my kids are up to interesting things:).
I do think that many people are interested in hearing about possibilities and different ways of doing things even if they’re just taking the bits that work for them. It’s still good (but sometimes hard!) to give perspectives regardless of some people taking offence.
“You never know:someone might need to hear what we have to say.” Absolutely:).
Erin,
I’m so glad you think my wording is respectful. When I ‘offended’ the person I mentioned, I examined my words carefully. Had I been careless and insensitive? I don’t think I did anything wrong, but we always worry when other people get upset with us, don’t we?
I can remember listening to a conversation between two homeschooling mothers who were talking about the best way to make their kids do their school work. They were frustrated and tired. What should they do? I wanted to tell them that I didn’t have this problem. (Would they think I was bragging?!) Perhaps they should unschool like us. But I didn’t say anything. Not everyone is open to the idea of doing something different. Some people are only looking for some empathy and encouragement to continue battling on.
But others, yes, are interested in hearing about the possibilities. They might indeed need to hear what we have to say. Sometimes it can be tricky knowing when to speak up and when to remain silent, can’t it?