The other day, someone asked, “When you had younger children, how did you encourage them to say thank you?”
My first response was, “I can’t remember.” It’s strange: we realise our kids learnt the necessary social skills, but looking back, we can’t work out how they did it. Did we do something particular to teach them such things as manners? Or did our children pick up the skills by themselves? Did they follow our example? The details become hazy with time.
There’s one thing I’m sure about: I thought it was important to have polite kids. I wanted my children to acknowledge the kindness they’d received from others. I also wanted to gain the good opinion of those around us. I wanted to hear: “Your children have beautiful manners! They’re a credit to you!” Perhaps everyone would think I was a good parent. I hoped people would look at me and wonder what I’d done that made my kids a pleasure to be around.
My young kids were polite. They had beautiful manners. Was that because of something I did?
I think a bit more about how I handled the thank you challenge. Maybe I was confident my kids would follow my example, so I did nothing. Kids are great copycats, aren’t they? When one of my daughters was two or three, she called everyone darling because that’s what I called her. So my kids probably heard me saying thank you and decided they’d say thank you, too.
Copycat thanking is good. If we do what everyone else is doing, we fit in. We know the customs or rules of our society, so when we’re given a gift, some help, or a compliment, we know the right response. The words fall automatically from our lips: “Thank you!”
But is having good manners enough? Or should we go deeper? Do we want our kids to understand the feelings associated with a thank you instead of just learning the right words? Perhaps we want our kids’ thank yous to come from their hearts, reflecting their genuine gratitude.
I think about how I feel when someone thanks me. An automatic response is nice. “Thank you!” I smile. “You’re welcome!” The correct words have been said. We move on.
But when someone expands their thank you, when their words are specific, expressing the reason for their gratitude, my heart is touched:
”Thank you for the excellent coffee. I always look forward to visiting your cafe because you make the best coffee in town.”
“Thank you for the flowers. They’re gorgeous! I shall enjoy looking at them.”
“Thank you for my birthday candle. You know what I like!”
”Thank you for washing the dishes before you went to bed. Having a clean kitchen at the start of the day makes a huge difference.”
”Thank you for that big hug. How did you know what I needed? You’ve lifted my spirits.”
”Remember those flowers you gave me a week ago? They’re still looking good. They’re giving me a lot of pleasure.”
”Remember the candle you gave me for my birthday. I’ve been lighting it every evening. It fills the room with a glorious scent. Thank you for your thoughtful gift.”
”Thank you for your help. I would still be cleaning the house if I had to do all the chores myself.”
How do our kids learn to give genuine feedback to others, to be specific with their words? How do they come to understand and experience the joy of gratitude?
Children could listen to our example, which helps. But I think they also need to know what it feels like to be thanked, to be on the receiving end of gratitude.
Kids sometimes miss out on thanks, don’t they? I’ve heard parents say, “Why should we thank our kids for doing things they’re expected to do? They shouldn’t need thanking. We all have to pitch in and do the work of the family. No one thanks me for being a mother (father). There are some things we just need to do.”
Other people say, “If I start thanking my kids, they’ll expect thanks all the time. What if they’ll only do things so they receive thanks?” (This sounds very much like the argument some parents give for not praising their kids.)
But what if we forget all that and say:
”Thank you for washing the dishes. It’s so good to have a clean and tidy kitchen.”
“Thank you for watching the movie with me. It’s more fun watching a movie together than by myself.”
”You’re so generous! Thank you for sharing your cake.”
”Thank you for spending time with me today. I love your company.”
”Thank you for being you.”
How will our kids feel when we thank them specifically with genuine gratitude? Will they feel joy? Will they feel valued? Will they want to give again? Will they come to understand the power of a thank you? Will they, in their turn, want to touch someone else’s heart by expressing gratitude for the things they receive?
I travel with one of my daughters to the ‘big shops’ in a city about 50 minutes away. As soon as we arrive, we head to the food court to buy coffee from our favourite shop.
“ Two almond lattes?” asks the barista, reaching for two glass cups before I say a word.
”Yes, please,” I smile, amazed that the woman remembers my usual order. We’re not frequent customers. It can sometimes be months between our visits.
As we sip the best coffee in the city, I wonder if the barista remembers us because I often return to the counter after drinking my latte to let her know her coffee is excellent and I enjoyed it. I guess not many customers take the time to offer their thanks and express their gratitude. Most people drain their cups, push back their chairs and then head off to the next thing in their day without thought. That’s a frequent story, isn’t it?
People hurry through life, taking from others but not acknowledging the giving. Maybe they assume their thanks aren’t necessary: “It was the barista’s job to make my coffee. I paid for it. I don’t need to add any thanks.”
But what if people did what is right, saying thank you even when it’s not strictly necessary? Think of the joy that would be exchanged. Think of the example we’d all give our kids. Imagine them expressing their thanks, not only with the required words but with gratitude flowing from their hearts. That kind of thanks can change the world.
So, how do we encourage our kids to say thank you? I suspect it all starts with expressing our heartfelt thanks to others. And remembering to also say thank you to our kids.
Challenge
- Watch out for opportunities to thank your kids. Thanks can’t spoil children. Like love, it grows their hearts.
- And thank other people. Be specific. Go beyond what’s necessary. Thank people even if they’re doing their job. Spread joy. In this busy world, where many of us receive an over abundance of everything, we take a lot for granted. We don’t always notice or acknowledge the occasions when we should be grateful and give thanks to others.
- If you are Christian unschoolers, you could review your day each evening, thanking God for all the blessings He has sent you. (I write in my journal.) The more we look, the more we notice. Our eyes tune into the blessings we’re constantly receiving. Thank God for His gifts.
The Power to Make People Grin
Here’s another cafe story you might enjoy:
The Power to Make People Grin
Thank You
I want to give a big thank you to my Buy Me a Coffee supporters. Your help encourages me to continue writing, keeps my blog online, and warms my heart: I have friends who appreciate what I’m doing and take the time to show me, even though it’s not strictly necessary!
You could become a Buy Me a Coffee supporter, too. If you’d like to make a small donation, I’ll send you a message of gratitude. I’ll also send you the password for all my protected posts!
Thank you, Sue, for brightening my day!😊🥰🤗
Staci,
I’d like to thank you too. Your comments and emails really make a difference to me. Commenters have come and gone over the years. I’ve enjoyed fleeting friendships with people who read my blog. But you and I have chatting for years. You’ve become a real friend. Thank you! 😊🩷🩵💛
Thank you for your post. We do live in a fast pace world and at time people forget that showing appreciation or a kind word goes a long way. Thank you sounds so simple but yet often times it not a part of the everyday vocabulary.
KP,
Oh yes, a kind word goes a long way. Simple things make a lot of difference, don’t they? I’ve been thinking about eye contact. How many times do we talk to someone with our eyes on our phones etc? I try and take the time to look people in the eye when I’m thanking them. I’ve noticed that wait staff don’t expect this. Maybe it makes them a bit uncomfortable at first, especially if they’re young. It’s sad that looking at someone properly is not considered a normal and expected thing to do.
It’s good to chat. Thanks for stopping by!
So true. Electronic devices have gained popularity so many people find it hard to look at people talking. As we navigate through our day we can find opportunities to say thank you while looking at someone. Or when placing an order make eye contact. When receiving service acknowledge the person and show appreciation. 😊
KP,
Oh yes, we spend a lot of time talking to people via our screens, tapping out the words instead of saying them with eye contact.
Whenever I make a video or join a Zoom call, I try to look at everyone through the lens of my camera or phone. A friend once told me that seeing me looking straight at her made a difference. It increased the feeling of connection even though I was actually looking at a lens instead of my friend. (I imagined her!) Someone else told me they find it difficult to do this, even though no one is watching her. Again, maybe we’re out of practise when it comes to eye contact, a bit self-conscious, perhaps.
I like the idea of looking for opportunities throughout the day to say thank you while looking at someone. I’m going to do that!
Thank you for continuing the conversation!