This is the second part of our homeschooling story. It follows on from my post Undercover Homeschoolers.
When our first child Felicity was about 6 years old and we’d been homeschooling for maybe a year, I met Anna. She lived in a wooden oasis of a house on the top of a hill that led down to the creek and the bush. The house was a warren of fascinating rooms filled with unusual treasures, a real storybook home.
And in that storybook home lived a storybook family. We were sure of this. Anna had a beautiful family: polite and charming children who excelled at everything. They were musicians and dancers and craftsmen and academics. And they were perfect.
An invitation to Anna’s house was like an invitation to the palace. We would set out from home full of excitement, knowing we were going to have a fantastic day. Anna would serve Earl Grey tea in fine bone china cups and offer us slices of homemade cake. And we’d sit in her country farm-style kitchen wiping our lips delicately with real napkins while feeling very special.
Afterwards, we’d descend the stairs to the living room, and someone would lift the baby grand piano lid and we’d be treated to a concert where little child fingers would play adult-sized music. While listening, I’d admire the trophies, the exquisite project books full of knowledge, and the displayed artworks and crafts.
Then after the music, we’d hear the magic words: “Let’s put on a play!” My children would follow eagerly along in the wake of their more inventive and creative friends, raiding the dress-up box in search of the perfect costumes.
Later, Anna and I would sit on the deck which jutted out among the bird-filled trees while the children played in the home-made wooden cubby house, perched above the steeply descending path that led down to a creekside paradise. And Anna shared and I listened, eager to pick up tips on how to have such a splendid family. Yes, I wanted to be just like Anna. I wanted to have children exactly like hers.
I enrolled my children in music lessons, then dancing and drama and gymnastics, and filled the house with musical instruments and craft materials, classical music and books. I wanted the same rich creative environment as my friend. I looked out for opportunities to enter competitions that might lead to a few trophies. And I carefully planned units of study and I hoped my children would produce impressive, creative project books to show how much they were learning, books that would rival those of Anna’s family. And although John Holt may have approved of some of the things we were doing, it was Anna I listened to, not John. We’d left unschooling behind.
When Felicity was 9 years old we moved house. We said a very sad goodbye to Anna and her family. But around the corner, there were more friends waiting to share ideas and influence our way of homeschooling.
After we had settled into our new home, I looked around, hoping to find other homeschoolers. And I did find some. There were maybe a dozen homeschooling families in our area. There was even one in our parish. This seemed rather remarkable. In the three or four years we’d been teaching our children, we’d never met another Catholic family who was educating their children at home. But we now discovered there was a whole network of Catholics out there, quietly educating, not only their children’s minds but also their souls.
Our faith hadn’t really played a big part in our homeschooling up to that point. I hadn’t thought much about what God wanted me to do and how I was going to help my children become the people He intended them to be. But after meeting my Catholic homeschooling friend, I started thinking about such things. I read books written by Kimberley Hahn and Mary Kay Clark, and before long, my head was spinning with new thoughts. I now wanted to give my children a good education infused with a solid knowledge and love of the Catholic faith.
I continued reading and thinking and discussing. One day, my friend lent me a copy of Elizabeth Foss’ book Real Learning, and I learnt about living books, narration, the value of outdoor play, nature study, dictation and copy work. I loved Charlotte Mason’s concept of ideas and beauty and providing the right atmosphere and instilling disciplining through good habits. Yes, I liked Charlotte Mason’s philosophy of education very much. But that didn’t prevent me from considering more ideas.
Next, I discovered Laura Berquist. Her book Designing Your Own Classical Curriculum convinced me that I wanted children who could think and analyse and reason critically. I thought about memorisation, the different stages and the tools of learning. And then I started designing.
Those were exciting times as I read and pondered and experimented. My homeschooling methods swung this way and that and then back again. My poor children!
But one day the excitement disappeared. I got tired of going round and round in circles trying to find the perfect method of homeschooling. Because, even though there were many wonderful ideas contained in all the books I was reading, none of these homeschooling methods seemed to suit my children. Once the excitement of a new method wore off, they’d once again start saying such things as “Why do we have to learn this? Do we really have to do that?” Getting my kids to do their schoolwork was a battle. Our homeschool wasn’t exactly a copy of my friend Anna’s. In our home, learning had turned into a chore.
Eventually, I stopped experimenting with the different methods of homeschooling. Instead of listening to the ideas of such people as Charlotte Mason and Laura Berquist, I began to listen to my children. What were their needs? What were they interested in? What was important to them? What was getting in the way of us being a close and happy family? Other people’s expectations? I threw out all the things that weren’t working for us, one at a time, and gradually we slipped into a way of life that felt comfortable to us. And whenever anyone asked us what homeschooling method we were using, I’d say, “We’re doing our own thing.”
Our days were enjoyable and fun. My children were learning and growing. We’d get up each morning and follow our noses, experiencing real life, having learning adventures, not always knowing what we’d do, where we’d end up or what we would discover. No big plans. Just life. And I felt at peace. Well, most of the time.
Just occasionally, I’d feel a little bit guilty. Was life too easy? Why didn’t I have any battles trying to get my children to learn? Perhaps I wasn’t pushing them hard enough. I wondered: Was ‘doing our own thing’ another word for ‘lazy’? Were my children really becoming the people God wanted them to be? When they finished homeschooling would they get jobs? Would they be ready to make their own way in life? Maybe I was jeopardising their futures. Perhaps we needed to be more structured, plan our days better, and make a few concrete goals.
So at the end of every year, when the long summer holidays rolled around and I had a bit of time to read and think, I’d say to myself, “I really must do some more research, buy a few new books and plan the school work better.” But every holiday passed without me ever doing that. When school resumed, we’d just slip back into our usual routine. We continued to do our own thing.
Years passed, and then one day, I read Suzie Andres’ book Homeschooling with Gentleness. I don’t know what I expected to discover within its pages. Maybe nothing because I was no longer searching for homeschooling answers. But I did discover something, something totally unexpected. I discovered that ‘doing our own thing’ has a name: unschooling.
Why didn’t I recognise we were unschooling? Didn’t we start our homeschooling adventure as unschoolers? I should have known exactly what it looks like. Except I didn’t. I realised I hadn’t fully understood unschooling at all.
So we started as unschoolers. We got a bit lost. We explored other ideas. And then we returned, without even realising it, to unschooling. We accidentally arrived back at the place where we belong.
(Update: I rewrote parts of this post (because I’m never satisfied with my words) so the comments might not make total sense!)
Photos: Gemma-Rose, Charlotte and Quinn are sitting on a park bench waiting for Imogen and Sophie to finish recording a music video. I wonder what my girls would have been doing on this weekday morning if we hadn’t found our way back to unschooling.
I wonder if you’ve always been unschoolers. Perhaps you explored other ideas before arriving at unschooling? Maybe you’re still exploring? I’d love to know whose educational ideas have influenced you the most!
Sue
Loved this post! Being true to yourself, it takes time to find yourself at times, your family culture. Now you've got me a thinking. I think you'll enjoy Jeanne's post
http://ohpeacefulday.blogspot.com/2011/05/whats-going-well-for-you.html
Hi Erin, I think sometimes we can be a bit intimidated by other homeschoolers. We can admire them and want to be like them, but we also feel we'll never be as good as them. It' a real blessing when we realise it's ok to be ourselves, that we all have our own talents suited to teaching our own families. I guess the same can be said about our vocations as mothers. We don't all have to be the same!
I will follow the link! God bless and thank you for sharing.
I agree with Erin, Sue – this is a lovely post. You two ladies are so encouraging – what a blessing to be a part of this online community! Thank you, both:)
Thank you, Vicky! I've been very tired today and I had trouble writing. I didn't know if this post made sense, and so I appreciate your comment. As always, I love sharing with you too!
I really enjoyed your post…Wow I wasn't too sure ho you were talking about..and then..it clicked. yes I have read so many books.. Elizabeth would be one of them, but I am Leanne and we do our own thing as well…it works for us..God Bless
Another great post! After years of reading, thinking and stressing, I've finally found the right fit for us, which is somewhat different for each of my children. I have to say it feels sooo good to have left the anxiety behind and arrived where we need to be.
Leanne,
I love Elizabeth too. I could easily have been 'Elizabeth'. There is so much wisdom and good ideas in her book. I think we take a little bit from each of our homeschooling friends and mentors and make it our own, in a way that suits our own families. We don't have to be the same as each other but we can share and we overlap in our ideas and methods sometimes too. That's fine!
Hi Tricia, isn't that what homeschooling is all about? – finding the right fit for each of our children That's the beauty of this way of educating. Homeschooling is different for each family and maybe, each child within a family. We have that freedom. And I agree with you: it's so good to get to a point when all the stress is left behind, where we have the confidence to do what is right for our own children. Thank you so much for your comment!
Oh Sue, you made me laugh out loud!
"Do I want to be Suzie like I wanted to be Charlotte and Laura? No."
I might have been crushed — if I weren't laughing~!
AND then I read:
"I could never be Suzie, that warm and beautiful soul."
I think I will commission an artist to calligraphy this where I can read it each day, or maybe get wallpaper made that says this, or a screensaver!
Ah, but here's the perfect truth:
"But I can be me: Sue Elvis who still knows her children and their needs better than anyone else in the world, and who now has the confidence (thanks to Suzie) to continue doing her own thing."
Yes! You speak with grace and wisdom, dear Sue. I'm so glad to be your friend, to have written things that help you, and most importantly I'm so grateful that I could boost your confidence. I bet St. Therese had everything to do with that: who can doubt her words and witness? God loves us so much! Truly we don't need to be afraid. We are surrounded and held by infinitely tender Love.
And lastly you ask:
"Who have been your friends along your homeschooling journey?"
What a happy question…
In addition to the wonderful friends you've already mentioned, here are some friends along my homeschooling journey (whom I've met through their books):
Susan (Schaeffer McCauley)
Ruth (Beechik)
Mary (Hood)
Nancy (Wallace)
Alison (McKee)
the 2 Johns (Holt & Taylor Gatto)
and
Elizabeth Goudge…
not exactly an educator or homeschooling mentor, but she is a novelist (not Eileen, but ELIZABETH) who wrote lovely gentle reads. Through her I discovered that it's okay to be very scared. Sometimes that's how we are, but in those times we have the chance to be heroic just by getting out of bed! She writes with such compassion.
I love your comment to Tricia:
"Isn't that what homeschooling is all about? -finding the right fit for each of our children."
God bless you and your readers – with His help, may we all find that right cozy fit. Aah, what a relief God's plan for us is!
Dear Suzie, I'm so glad to have you as a friend too. I see God connecting us all together, helping us with our vocations as mothers and home educators, and with our journey to Heaven. I am constantly amazed how He works!
Dear St Therese! Everywhere I look she is there, showing me the way. I have only written about your book "Homeschooling with Gentleness" so far. But I haven't finished! I would like to tell everyone about "A Little Way of Homeschooling" too. If my little blog can spread the message of St Therese and your books, even to a few people, I will be so thrilled.
Suzie, you said, in your book, that foremost, you wrote for yourself, to put your thoughts down, to work through them and reassure yourself you are on the right track with your own family. I think writing is so valuable for us personally. But the book is meant for far more people than you. Isn't it humbling and exciting when we know God has given us a special job to do, the opportunity to do something for Him who does so much for us? – I was overwhelmed with this feeling when wrote my own tiny book. I'm sure you know what I mean!
I am just so delighted you have shared my posts, stopped and written such kind comments and allowed me to use your words, Suzie. You are indeed a warm and beautiful soul.
btw, I love Elizabeth Goudge too! And Nancy Wallace is an old friend. I have an ancient copy of "Child's Work" on my shelf.
May God bless you!
This is beautiful – it made me smile – and tear up – seeing bits and pieces of myself here and there. You have a wonderful way with words and a gift for sincere sharing. Thank you for including us 🙂
Dear Sue,
I really enjoyed reading this post, and had to wonder if we are twins separated at birth or something…there are so many similarities in our journeys.
Suzie's book, Gentle Homeschooling, was key for me as well, to have confidence in myself (although that is definitely a work in progress, I think its beginnings were from reading that book).
Amy
Amy
Beate, I am so pleased to see you here. I have read your posts on the UC list and your chapter in Suzie's book and I think of you as a friend stopping by. It is good to share, isn't it? I have really enjoyed getting to know you and the other families in "A Little Way of Homeschooling". It is so generous of you all to let us inside your families so we can ponder, find kindred spirits, pick up ideas…share. Thank you for your kind words. God bless!
Amy, you said, "… had to wonder if we are twins separated at birth or something" Wow! I love that. That makes me feel so special, knowing you connected with my story. I'm not that crazy after all. Or perhaps you are just as crazy as me!! Please come back some time and share some more!
Sue
I just finished writing an epic for you;)
http://sevenlittleaustralians.blogspot.com/2011/06/our-friendship-quilt.html
truly it is only the beginning, whilst I've shared snippets of what I've learnt from these 'friends', what I learnt from my children is a whole 'nother chapter (or several)
Looking forward to seeing which direction you take me down memory lane next:)
Erin, I'm enjoying this exchange of stories! Thank you for your epic. Yes, the story is so long and involved and sometimes it seems impossible to put everything down without actually writing a book. Well, there's an idea!
I'm glad to hear you want to continue sharing. God bless.
That's exactly how I feel home educating – swaying from this to that – hoping to avoid failure – wanting peace – wanting progress. I'm so glad you wrote this post. It puts into words how I've bren feeling in this journey of discovery. Thank you.
Kim,
I tried out so many different ideas on my children in the early years of homeschooling. I kept thinking the next big idea might just be the perfect one. My poor children! They really were guinea pigs. It was a journey of discovery, exciting in some regards, but restless too. When I started listening to my own children, and not worrying about all the experts, we finally found that peace you mentioned. I hope you've also arrived at the end of your search. Good to share!
Sue. Yes! "Listening to our children and not listening to "experts"." I really appreciate your sharing of thoughts and experiences on your blog, podcasts, and facebook page. Switching mental gears to unschool can feel like salmon swimming upstream. So many years of being forced and controlled and learning as being very contrived is a hard mold to break at times. Did I ever mention my maiden name was Pressley? People used to always ask me if I was related to Elvis. Into my 20's I would respond that I was indeed related to Elvis. That always got people excited. Then I had to tell them I was just joking. I enjoyed reading your blog about being Elvis's wife. Funny!
Kim,
It's good to share ideas and ponder unschooling. I'm glad we have the opportunity to do that via the Internet.
I can just imagine the conversations you must have had because of your maiden name. What a pity you had to disappoint all those Elvis fans by telling them you aren't really related to him. It amazes me that the interest in Elvis and the associated comments about our name haven't decreased over the years, even though he died a long time ago when I was a teenager. Thank you for reading my Elvis story. I must have been in a very silly mood the day I wrote it. I had a lot of fun with it. Sometimes it is advantageous to be an Elvis. People do remember us!
Thank you Sue…I wonder how could we guide our children to have temperance…besides your own example you know, to find the middle point at everything by their own. I mostly afraid about sexuality but I do know that my childrens are still too young to think about that (3 and 1 years old).
My husband doesn’t want to unschool because of fear and because our financies (I studied law but I have never had the chance to work since I got married 4 years ago), but he values the philosophy of unschooling and respecful accompaniment because we have been going to a prepared space for family development on this line in Jerez de la Frontera, Spain, where we live.
I’m just 28 and, even I have had lots of differents proffesionals aspirations, nowadays I’d just work online at home being a spanish teacher to deal with my most precious aspiration in life: my family, and my children development. But I recognize that we need me to work at the moment, and because I have to study to get the skills to start with (currently I’m studying a spanish teaching course, but FUNNILY ENOUGH AND JUST FOR FEAR I’ve enroll myself in a master to become a secondary and pre university teacher because I do not have hopes to unschool with my husband support), my childrens are going to go to preschool and nursery on September.
Spanish catholic public schools are awful: Reading books for childrens of 3, discipline without emotional accompaniment, outside areas without vegetation, uniforms and ID color card in the jumper for new schoolers for half a year to be identified.
I don’t know why I’m telling you that, maybe because I really admire your family and I wish I could afford unschool as well as you do. But I blame me.
Let our Father who art in heaven guide our steps in temperance and love in our families…knowing that our husband, in my case, goes first, but willing to give our childrens the best of ourselves.
Love,
Teresa
Teresa,
I’m glad you stopped by to share your thoughts and feelings. It sounds like you aren’t happy about sending your children off to preschool and nursery but would much rather have them stay at home and unschool them.
Fear is a big obstacle to unschooling. What if unschooling is wrong? On the surface, certain aspects of unschooling do indeed sound strange. Will our kids choose to do things we feel are wrong? Of course, when we understand what unschooling is all about, it all makes sense and we don’t worry. But getting to that stage can take a lot of time. A whole new way of thinking has to be adopted.
I wonder if you and your husband could talk about your own childhoods and education. What did you enjoy? Did you love learning? What things would you have changed if you could? And perhaps, instead of talking about unschooling directly, you could discuss your hopes for your children. What do you want to give them? How could you give them the life you want for them? What’s most important? Could you sacrifice some things to achieve others?
We could decide we want to unschool and then arrange our lives to fit in with the principles of unschooling. Or we could start with our families, work towards fulfilling everyone’s needs in the way we think is right and end up at unschooling without making a decision to do this. Perhaps this second approach could work for you.
Teresa, many years ago, I could never imagined the life we are now living. God led us here step by step. Maybe He has similar plans for your family. It can be hard to see past the difficulties, but we can trust God. He only wants the best for us. And I do think unschooling is the best way to live. Perhaps you can keep trusting and praying and discussing and let God guide you.
It’s always good to chat with you. May God bless you and your family. xxx
Before relaxed homeschooling we were classical – Mother of Divine Grace. However as the years went on, I eventually only found us following about subject area of the program. Of course, even the schoolwork we did caused tantrums and tears for mom and kids several days per week. Then my oldest was diagnosed with two autoimmune diseases and before we were sure what he had, I found myself reading his schoolwork to him so he wouldn’t fall behind schedule while he was sick! Then I realized I must be crazy! Since we found unschooling, school has been so much more joyful and no tantrums! My relationship with my kids is much better!
Gina,
I used to do a lot of crazy things too. I felt pressured to keep up with other people’s expectations. I had to make sure my kids didn’t fall behind. I also made my children work when they were sick. No sick days for homeschoolers! I’m so glad I came to my senses.
Thank you for sharing your story!