Kids won’t work hard if you don’t make them.
I was thinking about these words as I was getting ready for bed last night. Why do some parents insist their kids won’t do anything unless they are forced to? Are kids naturally lazy? Can’t they be trusted to work hard and achieve goals without being pushed?
Before I hopped into bed, I jotted down a few of my thoughts:
We all need something worthwhile to do. Some way of using our talents. We want to know we’re making a difference to the world. We’re willing to work hard, even do things that are unpleasant or not particularly enjoyable, and overcome obstacles. Getting to the other side, knowing we have achieved something that took a lot of effort, is very satisfying.
I’m talking as an adult, but what about kids? Do they also have a need and the drive to achieve something worthwhile? Can parents inadvertently squash kids’ motivation to work hard?
If we keep kids so busy with what we want them to do, they haven’t got time to find out what they’re good at and what they could achieve. If we make them fulfil our challenges, they are not going to set their own.
If kids do set challenges for themselves but we criticise instead of encouraging them, if we don’t have confidence in them, if we don’t trust they will rise to the occasion, they will give up. They won’t see how capable they are. They won’t believe they can do anything worthwhile, anything good.
We all need to know we are important. That our lives have meaning. That we have a contribution – small or big – to make. That we can do something that will make a difference. Perhaps deep down, most of us yearn to go out there and do something amazing even if, at the same time that might sound a bit frightening. We need something to believe in, some cause to give ourselves to.
Kids are quite capable of working hard, even to the point of exhaustion, if what they’re doing is important to them, something they believe in. But it’s a totally different situation if they’re doing something someone else makes them do. Is what parents want kids to do more important than what kids want to do?
Perhaps we make kids do things our way because we think we know best. We want them to have a secure future. Safe and sensible. But maybe safe and sensible isn’t what the world needs. It needs people who are passionate, who will think for themselves, who are willing to go out there and work hard at something they believe is important so that they can make a difference.
Does the world need unschooling (or at least, people with an unschooling mindset)?
My thoughts are a bit muddled and incomplete, but maybe they can start a conversation. Please feel welcome to pick holes in what I’ve said, and fill in the gaps with your own thoughts.
I think the world does need more people with an unschooling mindset! One of the coolest kids I know, (one of my co-worker’s kids), had friends who simply quit going to school in high school. He finished it out, but decided to delay college. He worked as a Sherpa on Kilimonjaro after he graduated, then he went to Alaska to work as a fisherman. After he was injured he came back to Colorado to work at construction. I don’t know what he’s doing now, but I bet it’s interesting.
I think if more of us had pursued our interests instead of security, (unless of course that’s what interested us), the world would generally be a happier place! I also think stability and security might be overrated. Things frequently change anyway. It’s good to be prepared, but I think maybe it’s not as useful to imagine controlling things that simply can’t be controlled. And yes, that last little bit is probably more what I need to hear for myself right now than anything else 🙂
Hamilton,
I feel sad that many young people don’t see the possibilities. They don’t realise they can do things that make a difference. I love the story of your co-worker’s son. I imagine it took courage to head off on his adventures, but it sounds like he is living an amazing life.
Oh yes, security and stability can suddenly be whisked away. They are an illusion. Much better to do what we enjoy, what interests us, what we’re good at. Hamilton, there have been times when our family hasn’t been able to control the circumstances around us. We’ve worried about the changes and have been slow to embrace them. But always, things have worked out wonderfully. Other times we have deliberately taken risks with the same result. If you are in a similar situation, I hope things work out well for you too.
Thanks Sue!
Hamilton,
You’re welcome. It’s always good to chat with you. I hope you’re enjoying the weekend with your family.
I think a lot depends on how a person is raised. I know many adults who only do their best if something is particularly enjoyable. Two of my children work at McDonald’s and are frustrated by how often tasks are left undone or half-done by coworkers. My eldest is a universe student and I get an earful any time she is involved in a group project. In most cases she does far more than her share. My other daughter who is in cosmetology school actually had another student say, “I don’t do this responsibility stuff.” Now all of these people went to public school, where I think they had many things required of them, and so learned to give a little effort to each thing. Unfortunately it seems hard for them to focus— but when you switch gears every 45 minutes in school that is to be expected. It is just a deeply flawed system, and when people only know that one way of doing things, they can’t imagine that young people would chose to pick something productive to do if they weren’t forced. One of my sons (13) spends hours a day writing and illustrating his stories. I have never once told him to do it. Another son (11) tries to fix anything that breaks because he is mechanically minded. He just does it naturally; sometimes he will bring me something he fixed before I even knew it was broken. 🙂 But they have free time. Most children in the US are “scheduled to death,” as my friend says. It’s really a shame.
Kristyn,
Your comment reminded me that kids often work hard at things they don’t particularly enjoy if there’s a good reason to do that, like helping other people. They can indeed be responsible and focused. It can be frustrating for kids when other members of a team aren’t willing to do their fair share. My children have experienced that as well.
Yes, our children are very fortunate being able to spend as many hours a day as they like working on one particular activity. I can remember being frustrated when the school bell went and we had to pack up our work and move on. Then again, I can also remember being relieved many times that the lesson was finally over!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I feel the world does need unschooling. I’m glad that my son and all of my children had the freedom to learn things that were important to them. Things that have served them well. Four Walls of a school building can be a scary place in this day and time. I’m glad our kids have the freedom and also the protection of being safely in their homes each day. Or out with their family is pursuing what they’re interested in. Give them the stability and certainty that they need.
Nancy,
Oh yes, we can indeed give our kids security and stability within our families. And then with that solid foundation they have the courage ad strength to go out there into the bigger world and do things that are important to them.
I hope you’re enjoying the weekend!
I see so many negative things on Facebook about how to punish your kids, keep them from doing what they like, force them to not be lazy. Unschooling is great. The other day I was talking to my sister-in-law about my 12 year old son’s rockets. She wanted to know what lessons went along with him using the rocket. I assume because in school whenever you are gifted with a neat hands on project it needs to be paired with some drudgery to be declared educational. I guess. But I am sure he will learn what he needs to without me tacking on any drudgery to his interests.
Venisa,
I don’t miss seeing all the negative posts on Facebook. They used to make me feel very sad. I’m so glad we’re unschooling though I know many people criticise our way of life. Yesterday, I read a very negative blog post about unschooling. The author certainly doesn’t think that the world needs unschooling. The sooner we disappear the better! It’s such a pity unschooling is so misunderstood.
” But I am sure he will learn what he needs to without me tacking on any drudgery to his interests.” Oh yes, I agree!