Does Respecting Older People Begin with Respecting Kids?

Whenever someone says I look young for my age, I grin. I accept the compliment. But recently, I’ve wondered: what’s wrong with looking my real age? Do I need to appear younger than I am?

There’s an older woman who sits in the front pew at Mass. One day, when the service was over, I couldn’t help but overhear someone bending over her and asking in a sing-song voice, “How old are you, dear?”

And I thought: when did it become acceptable to ask another adult their age? Do we treat those who are older than us like some people treat children? Do we show them no respect?

“Ninety-six!” All the younger people surrounding the older one gushed with delight. “You’re doing so well!”

I told this story to my husband, Andy. “If anyone asks me my age when I’m older and then congratulates me for still being alive, I will poke them with my walking stick!”

Ted used to poke people with his stick. It amused him. It was his way of dealing with stupid people.

Ted was one of those marvellous older people who got along well with kids. He always had time for my children, stopping to chat with us after Mass. He shared loads of stories of his life, passed on his wisdom, encouraged Andy and me, and taught us about love.

Not all adults took the time to get to know my kids as they were growing up. Many were too wrapped up in themselves to see the young people in front of them. They were bitter, resentful and critical. When they did acknowledge the younger generation, they complained, “Young people have no respect for their elders.” If that’s true, maybe that’s because the elders do not respect the young.

It all starts with the adults, doesn’t it? It should never begin with the kids.

I spoke about ageing and respect in episode 125 of my podcast, Connecting Unschooling and Ageing, which is based on a conversation I had with my daughter, Sophie.

“The problem starts with older people,” says Sophie. “They don’t respect younger people. They’re quick to criticise and put us down. They’re not really interested in what we’re doing or thinking. They don’t realise that life is hard for us sometimes and they dismiss our concerns by saying such things as ‘You’re young! What have you got to complain about?’ How can we respect older people if they don’t respect us?” Sophie is speaking from experience.

I’ve aged a few years since I made that episode.

Connecting Unschooling and Ageing

I’m lying on my bed thinking about ageing when my daughter Sophie appears. “I thought I’d come and have a chat with you before I go to bed,” she says

Years ago, when I was much younger but thought I was old, I wrote a blog post that included these words about ageing:

This evening, I found Andy and Gemma-Rose cuddled together on the sofa partway through a book. They were reading Night Noises by Mem Fox. I sat down and half listened.

Ninety-year-old Lillie Laceby is snoozing in her chair, dreaming about when she was younger. Her dog, Butch Aggie (a female dog, so they worked out), wakes Lillie when there is a strange noise at the door. When the old lady finally rouses herself, unlocks all the locks, unbolts all the bolts and opens the door, she discovers all forty-eight members of her family. They have come to celebrate her birthday.

Then my ears pricked up. The following words caught my attention:

“Are you really ninety?” whispered Emily, aged four and a half.

Lillie Laceby held her hand and smiled.

“Inside, I’m only four and a half like you,” she whispered back. “But don’t tell anyone.”

I also used to imagine myself as four and a half on the inside. I still like to think I’m as playful, curious, and adventurous as I was when I was a child. But my inside isn’t four and a half. It’s grown in unexpected ways because of all my life experiences, and it will continue to grow.

Inside, I’m almost 64 years old. And my outside? If it looks 64, that’s okay. Don’t we have the right to look our age?

And don’t kids have the right to be respected by those who demand respect for themselves?