Do Our Kids Know Themselves Better Than We Know Them?

As parents, we might think we know what’s best for our kids. We’re the adults. We’re older. We have experience. But my daughter Sophie disagrees. She says, “I think sometimes parents forget that a child knows herself better than the parent does.” Children know what’s important to them. They know what they need.

A couple of years ago, when she was 14, I made an interview video with Sophie. We chatted about how important it is to listen to kids. By listening, we get to know them. I transcribed the video, Listening to Kids, and today, I’m posting an extract.

Sue: Do I make lots of mistakes?

Sophie: You make mistakes. I wouldn’t say you make that many, but you make mistakes.

Sue Go on, tell me one mistake I’ve made.

Sophie: None comes to mind straight away, but I know you do make them. Everyone makes mistakes.

Sue: That’s true. Everybody makes mistakes because we’re always learning, aren’t we?

Sophie: Yes.

Sue: It would be sad if we knew it all.

Sophie. It would. Life would be boring.

Sue: Now you told me something earlier about why I don’t know everything and why I do make mistakes and why I haven’t got all the unschooling answers.

Sophie: The family is always changing so while you might know all about unschooling us, say five years ago, we’re not the same people we were five years ago. The things you need to do now are completely different from before. You have to keep changing what you know.

Sue: You are number seven in the family and I have unschooled lots of other children, so you’d think that I would know it all by now, having gone through the process a lot of times. But you’re all different, aren’t you?

Sophie: We’re completely different!

Sue: You present different challenges.

Sophie: You know all about, say, Imogen at 13, but you don’t know what Gemma-Rose will need when she’s 13.

Sue: Certainly not. Everybody is very different. But that’s okay. We learn as we go. How can we learn best?

Sophie: Trying things and experimenting. And by listening to children.

Sue: So we’re not going to learn everything by getting it all out of a book?

Sophie: No, I think a parent will learn to unschool best if they listen to their child and look at their child and see what works for their child.

Sue: I think books and blogs are good. They give us ideas.

Sophie: They give the groundwork, but it’s no use just using blogs, spending all your time reading words, and forgetting about reading your child’s emotions.

Sue: And seeing what sort of person they are? How they think and what’s important to them and what talents they have?

Sophie: Your child isn’t going to be the same as the one on the blog you were reading.

Sue: Do you think that parents sometimes forget to look at their children or to ask them about things?

Sophie: I definitely think that happens a lot of the time.

Sue: So do you think that parents might think that they know what’s best for their child?

Sophie: Yes, I think sometimes parents forget that a child knows herself better than the parent does.

Sue: I really enjoy asking you questions and talking to you because I find out some amazing things and what amazes me most is your opinions. You really think things out and you have some very interesting things to say. So I think that it’s a good idea to talk to kids, don’t you?

Sophie: Yes.

Sue: You would advise parents to go talk to their kids?

Sophie: Kids like talking to their parents. I say this from experience.

Sue: You think kids have worthwhile things to say?

Sophie: I hope so.

Sue: I think they do. I really love talking to you all and I think the more we talk, the more we listen to each other, the more we understand each other and get to know each other because I don’t think parents necessarily know their kids naturally. You’ve got to get to know kids, don’t you?

Sophie: It’s like getting to know other people. You don’t start out knowing someone’s personality automatically just because you’re their parents.

Sue: No, you can’t assume you know your child inside and out especially as they’re growing and developing.

Sophie: Children are always changing.

Sue: That’s true. And is what a child thinks important?

Sophie: Yes. I think it’s important to listen to them. Even if what they say seems nonsensical, a child has been thinking about it and that’s worth encouraging and listening to.

Sue: When I ask you a question you’ve always got an answer.

Sophie: I spend a lot of time thinking!

Sue: Do you think that’s representative of all children?

Sophie: I think children do a lot of thinking, more than people give them credit for.

Sue: Maybe some children aren’t used to being asked their opinion so they might not be able to articulate it as well as you do. It might take a bit of practice?

Sophie: You have to ease a child into talking about their opinions.

Sue: Because I’m sure that some children might just clam up. They wouldn’t know what to say.

Sophie: Some people aren’t confident enough and relaxed enough to talk about their opinions straightaway.

Sue: But we should still try?

Sophie: Yes, ask some questions.

Sue: And maybe not interrogate them though.

Sophie: No, don’t interrogate. Talk like you talk to another adult.

Sue: That sounds like good advice!

If you’d like to watch the full video, here it is!