When unschooling children reach the teenage years, is it time for them to stop following their interests and do some serious structured work instead? If they continue to unschool, will they fail to gain enough knowledge to get into university? Do they need to learn how to write essays, complete assignments, meet deadlines and deal with exams? Do parents need to tighten the rules for teens? Perhaps they should restrict their teenagers’ freedom to keep them safe, because their worlds are getting bigger and there are a lot of dangers out there. Or is leaving unschooling behind the wrong thing to do? Could unschooling be exactly what teens need to do, (even if they haven’t unschooled before)?
Teenager Not for Sale
In less than 4 months, we’ll no longer have any teenagers in our family, and unlike many parents, I’m not rejoicing, saying, “Thank goodness the teen years are over! We can finally take down the for sale signs.”
Teenager for sale. Fully equipped with rolling eyes, deep sighs, and sarcastic comments. Plays video games and texts 200 wpm. No reasonable offer will be refused.
I’ve never been tempted to giggle over memes like this one. Oh no, I protest, and people accuse me of having no sense of humour. But they’re wrong. I laugh at all kinds of things. I just don’t make fun of teens who are wonderful people and deserve respect.
Over the years, I’ve written many stories about unschooling and teens. I’ve also made podcasts and videos with the help of my teenaged children. I’ve asked, “Can I interview you? Can we discuss unschooling and teens?” and they’ve always generously shared their thoughts and experiences.
A Big Chat About Unschooling Teenagers
A few years ago, I posted the following question on social media:
Is anyone interested in discussing the teenage unschooling years? I’m thinking of recording a podcast on this topic with my daughters Imogen and Sophie.
I proposed a few questions we could start with:
What does unschooling look like in the teenage years?
Is this a time to tighten up and prepare for university or other tertiary learning?
How do unschoolers get into university?
What if a teenager has no idea what she wants to do when official homeschooling finishes?
Will the teenage years be difficult?
Can we trust teenagers?
Can we be friends with our teenagers?
What do teenagers need?
Can children start unschooling during the teenage years?
And a few people added their own questions such as:
Could you and the girls talk about radical unschooling? How you were able to build such a solid level of respect for each other? Also, did you as a mother still maintain a good level of authority for those times when the children really did need your intervention in a situation?
So Imogen, Sophie and I made a podcast about unschooling teenagers, attempting to answer all the above questions. Here are a few thoughts we shared:
It’s important we give teenagers the freedom to find out who they are. They need to explore their interests, express their opinions without being shut down, try things out, and make some mistakes while in the safety of a family that loves them unconditionally. If we do give our teenagers the opportunity to do all this, they will, hopefully, end up having a strong sense of who they are and what they believe. They’ll go out into the world feeling confident and won’t be swayed by other people’s opinions. They won’t do things they don’t agree with just so that they’ll be accepted and liked. Our teenagers are not likely to get into serious trouble because that would mean sacrificing who they are.
So if we want to keep our teenagers safe from the dangers of the world, we shouldn’t do what appears to be sensible: make lots of rules and hold onto them tightly. Instead, we should make sure we build up the bonds between parent and child, and then give our teenagers the necessary freedom to find out who they are.
Perhaps you’d like to listen to the whole podcast episode.
Episode 147: A Big Chat About Unschooling Teenagers
In episode 19 of my podcast, I interviewed my daughters Imogen and Charlotte.
Later, I turned that conversation into an article, Keeping Teenagers Safe, for my book, Radical Unschool Love.
Keeping Teenagers Safe
I settle myself into a comfortable chair in the living room and open a book. But before I can read more than a page or two, the rest of my family appears.
“What are you doing, Mum?” “Is it coffee time?”
“Shall I fill the kettle?”
Soon we are drinking coffee and talking together, and my book is forgotten. The conversation turns to a podcast that I made about reading, writing and coarse language.
“I’ve been thinking about what I said in that episode. Do you think I was wrong to say that parents should trust their kids when it comes to choosing such things as books and movies?” I ask my children. “Should I look at all books before letting you read them? Is it wrong to trust you? Perhaps I’m an irresponsible mother. Maybe I’m not keeping you safe from the dangers of the world.”
Opinions fly back and forth across the living room. Everyone has something to say.
“It would be really good if I could record some of this conversation,” I say. “You all have some very interesting things to say. How about I interview a couple of you for this week’s podcast?”
So that’s what I do. I interview Imogen (20) and Charlotte (17) and ask them for their opinions on keeping children safe from the dangers of the world, including inappropriate books, the Internet, movies, and emails.
“Is the world a dangerous place?” I ask my daughters, and they reply, “Yes, it is. There are dangerous things out there in the world, and it’s a parent’s responsibility to protect a child from them.”
“I’ve been doing some googling to find out what other parents do to keep their kids safe,” I say, “because most people are doing something very different from us. I was interested to see if other methods are working.
“It seems to me that most parents are keeping a very close eye on what their kids are watching and reading, and they supervise their time on the Internet very closely. Everyone is saying, Do not let children have unsupervised time on the computer. Make sure the computer is in a place where parents can see the screen at all times. So most parents are being very diligent about policing their children’s activities in potentially dangerous areas.
“Many parents would, I imagine, read books and watch movies before they offer them to their children to make sure that they are safe. I guess parents have to be very fast readers to keep up. Children can be prolific readers!
“In my travels, I came across a website that offers spyware. Parents can use it to spy on their children’s computer activities so that they don’t have to look over their shoulders constantly. There is a record of the activities that they can access later on. They can also use the spyware to check their kids’ phone messages and emails. What do you think about this? Is spying on children necessary? Should it be allowed?”
“I don’t think it should be allowed,” says Imogen. “I’ve heard of children whose parents have used spyware, and they think it’s a great, great invasion of their privacy. They don’t want anyone constantly looking over their shoulders. They want their parents to trust them.”
“So you think spying on children breaks down the trust between a parent and a child and will ultimately damage the relationship between them?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Some parents say that this is a big issue. It doesn’t matter how the child feels. Parents are just doing what is necessary to keep them safe. Eventually, the child will recognise that the parents only spied because they cared.”
“I see where they’re coming from,” says Imogen, “but I don’t think a teenager would see it that way.”
“Some parents say, We have to do unpopular things because we’re the parents. We’re not interested in being friends with our teenagers. That’s not our role. Being a parent means keeping our kids safe regardless of what we have to do.”
“Yes, parents need to keep their children safe,” says Imogen, “but there is another way to do that. Parents don’t have to act like the police.”
“The problem is that some parents think there isn’t another way,” I say. “But there is, isn’t there? But before we talk about that, perhaps we can look at the downside of spying. If our relationships were damaged, but in the process, our children were kept safe, we might say it was all worthwhile. But do you think policing children’s activities does actually work?”
“No.”
“Parents are damaging their relationships for nothing?”
“Yes. If a parent spies on their children’s computers, the children will use someone else’s computer to do whatever it is that they want to keep private. If they ban their children from reading certain books, children will read those books in another place. Spying and policing will only result in children doing things secretly. It’s not going to stop them.”
“So it’s going to make teenagers deceitful? There’s always a way around these things, isn’t there?”
“Teenagers can go places. Parents can’t police them when they’re not at home.”
“The only way to be sure they’re not doing what parents don’t want them to do is to keep them at home?”
“Exactly.”
“Parents can’t follow their teenagers around. They can’t be sure of where they’re going and what they’re doing. But parents could be suspicious. They could find themselves checking up on them: Where have you been? What have you been doing? And that doesn’t do a relationship any good, does it?
“Let’s talk about that other way of keeping kids safe,” I say. “When we police children’s activities, control is coming from the parent. It’s coming from outside the child. So the child is safe only as long as the parent is there making sure she isn’t doing anything wrong. Once the parent has gone, the child is free to do whatever she likes and could get into all sorts of trouble.
“But with the method of keeping teenagers safe that we’re talking about, control comes from within the child. A child chooses not to engage in certain dangerous activities. She knows what is right and what is wrong, what is appropriate, and what isn’t. And she can be trusted whether a parent is there or not.
“This sounds good, but a parent might object: A child cannot make a distinction between what is right and what is wrong. She can’t be trusted to make the right choices. Imogen, do you think teenagers can be trusted?”
“Yes, I do.”
“So if we believe a child can tell the difference between right and wrong when she goes to the library and looks at the books, she can make the right choices for herself.”
“Yes.”
“How can we get to the situation where a child does know the difference between right and wrong? Does a parent just say, Go and read what you like, listen to what you like, and watch what you like? I trust you will make the right decisions. Is it that easy?”
“No, it’s not,” says Imogen. “It’s all about the relationship a parent has with a child. There needs to be trust and respect and the ability to have a conversation. That’s what’s important. Parents need to have the right relationship with their child, one where they can share the values they believe in, one in which they can help her develop her sense of right and wrong.
“And then once a child shares a parent’s values, she can go out and use those values when reading books or when she’s on the Internet. She might say, This book doesn’t feel right to me. It doesn’t fit the values that I have picked up. I’m not going to read this. But before a child can do that, parents need to build up a relationship of respect and trust. It has to be a relationship where a parent can have conversations and pass on the right values to her child.”
“Some people might say, Why should children listen to their parents rather than to others from outside the family, their friends and other people in the community? Do you think it’s all to do with the relationship parents have built up with their children?” I ask.
“Yes, that’s right.”
“So it’s not as easy as it sounds. It does take a lot of effort and time to build up a close relationship.
“Some people say that they’re not unschooling, but they still have a good relationship with their children. What do you think are the essential things that make a difference?” I ask.
Imogen says, “The parent and the child need to trust and respect each other. Everyone agrees that children need to trust their parents. They need to respect what they say. But the same is true for parents. Parents need to trust and respect their children. When you become a teenager, you want to be treated as an adult. You can think and reason and make decisions, and you want your parents to acknowledge that. So it’s not just a child-parent relationship that teenagers want. They want an adult-adult relationship. They want to be able to talk to their parents, to have discussions, to be allowed to have opinions instead of being put down as if they were children: You don’t know anything. You’re not old enough.”
“Parents can be very good at lecturing their children. They say, This is what I think is wrong with this book and this is why I don’t want you to read it. But there’s no dialogue, is there?” I say. “It’s just the parent laying down the law. Should a parent allow a teenager to have her opinions and listen to them? Because many parents say, I’ve told my child what’s wrong with it, and maybe they think that’s enough. The parent has spoken, and that’s all that matters.”
“It’s much better to have a conversation about it, discuss it, listen to a child’s opinion, give feedback to each other,” says Imogen. “You listen to what they think, and they listen to what you think. Talk it out together. Because if you tell teenagers something, they will think, She’s laying down the law again. But if you talk with them, they’ll feel like they’re being respected and what they have to say is valued. They’re more likely to listen to what you have to say because you’re listening to what they have to say.”
“Let’s talk about what happens in our family,” I say. “You read a lot of books. If I tried to keep up with them all I wouldn’t do much else, would I? So tell me what happens when we go to the library.”
Charlotte joins the conversation: “Imogen and I usually collect some books together. We look at each cover and glance inside. If the book looks interesting and there’s nothing obviously wrong with it, we’ll borrow it.”
“Then we take the books home,” continues Imogen, ” and we start reading them. Generally, in the first few chapters, we can tell whether it will be an appropriate book for us to read or not.”
“And if it isn’t,” says Charlotte, “We put it back in the basket to be returned to the library, and we try something else.”
“You’ve learnt to pick up the subtle messages of the book?” I ask. “Because some things don’t jump out at you on the first page, do they?”
Imogen: “Yes, it’s not always easy to tell from the first page, whether it’s a good book or not. You’ve got to read some of it. And sometimes it’s not a particular thing; it’s a feeling: This book doesn’t feel right. If it feels that way, we won’t read it.”
“It’s better to be able to pick up the subtle messages rather than just say, This is a vampire book, so I’m not going to read it. This book has bad language on the first page, so I’m not going to read it,” I say. “You have to make decisions about the book as you’re reading it. Writers can influence a reader in subtle ways. The danger isn’t always immediately obvious.
“Tell me about the standards you and Charlotte have for books.”
“We have an easy way to tell whether a book is appropriate or not,” says Imogen. “I think, Could I take this to Mum? Could I show this to her? If I feel there’s something in the book that doesn’t allow me to do that, I won’t read it. Not because I’m afraid of what you might say or because I think you’ll be angry with me. I do that because I trust you know what is right. And if you don’t think it’s right, I trust it’s not right for me.”
“So you wouldn’t be tempted to read that book privately?” I ask.
“No.”
“I can trust you?” “Yes, you can.”
“Some people have asked, How do you know what your children are reading? Even if I trust you, I don’t know what you’re reading. How do I find out?”
“Ask us,” Charlotte says.
“You’ll give me an honest answer?”
“Yes. Why should I hide what I’m reading?”
“I don’t have to spy? I don’t have to police what you’re reading? You will tell me?”
“Yes.”
It’s as easy as that.
Keeping Teenagers Safe from the Dangers of the World
If you’d like to listen to the podcast version of that story, here it is:
And if you’d like to read my book Radical Unschool Love, you’ll find it on Amazon. It contains more unschooling teen stories.
What Other Unschoolers Are Saying About Teenagers
How to Unschool a Teen by Sue Patterson, Unschooling Mom2Mom
…it may be much EASIER to toss a textbook at a kid and say, “Here’s what you need to learn.” But it’s going to be TORTURE to get them to do it! (But you already know that, right?) Why do you think that is? I think it’s because buried deep inside them, kids know adults are not telling the truth. They don’t really “need to learn” it. They’re hardwired to be curious – and they know what they’re curious about. And it’s not THAT.
Respecting Teens by Erin, Ever Learning
I have found that teens are more likely to be treated respectfully if they have a respected adult somewhere in the vicinity.
What do unschooled teens do all day? by Melissa Camara Wilkins, Simple Homeschool
My teens aren’t going to be apprentice blacksmiths, but they are apprentice adults. They’re learning who they are and how to be themselves. This is their apprenticeship.
Unschooling Teenagers by Julie Polanco, Julie Naturally
Teenagers thrive when they take responsibility for their own learning. Learn how to facilitate natural learning or unschooling teenagers with these posts from Julie. She collaborated with her teens during these important years and successfully launched them into adulthood. Learn how you can confidently launch your teen as well using natural learning methods.
Why and How to Unschool Teens by Emily van Lidth de Jeude
Be their equal. Rise to meet their amazingness, and when they fall, sit down in the pits with them. If you’re lucky, they’ll be so confident in your love and support that they’ll love and support themselves.
Teens and Unschooling, Sandra Dodd
This isn’t an exhaustive FAQ, it’s a collection of bits and links to help parents of unschooled teens feel confident and calm about how kids interact with the world inside and outside their families.
Unschooling Teens with Sue Patterson: a transcript of episode 3 of the Exploring Unschooling podcast
Where the unschoolers really shined, and it’s the largest chapter in the whole book, is the way they dealt with their hobbies. Where the school-at-home kids are really off doing their subjects, and then they have their small window for hobbies, the unschoolers were studying their hobbies as their job of the day. They were exploring and going really deeply into them.
Some of them ended up going off to college to study more about it. Others ended up going into careers based upon that hobby that they were able to really develop as a teenager. I think that’s so cool because, as adults, we tend to think, oh, you do your job and then you have your hobby. And lots of times, it takes a few decades for us to undo that thinking, where we’re realizing we’re really enjoying this hobby, there’s got to be a way to make a living at it!
Many look at unschooling as a viable option for their younger children. What about high school? Can you unschool the teen years and prepare young adults for their future? Absolutely! In this sequel to Homeschool Gone Wild, Karla shares how she continued unschooling through highschool with magnificent results.
These 75 young people are going to show you exactly what their lives looked like as homeschooled teenagers. And you’ll be surprised at how they made friends, got along with family, and explored unique learning environments. They’re eager to share the benefits and advantages they experienced through homeschooling. Their lives were (and are!) full, rich, and happy.
The Teenage Liberation Handbook by Grace Llewellyn
The Teenage Liberation Handbook is (still) the only complete guide to unschooling written for youth. It tackles everything~
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- why to consider self-directed education
- communicating with reluctant parents
- “getting a social life without proms”
- designing a “tailor-made intellectual extravaganza” and getting into college
- finding great mentors, apprenticeships, and volunteer positions
Is It Risky to Let Teens Unschool?
Letting teenagers unschool sounds risky, doesn’t it? Our imaginations could go wild, conjuring up images of young people unable to pursue further education and get good jobs because they haven’t gained enough knowledge. How would we feel if that happened?
As well as being poorly educated and ill-prepared for life, do we imagine our teens making big mistakes and getting into a lot of trouble? Perhaps we should keep them safe by making lots of rules and restricting their freedom?
But teenagers need the freedom that comes with unschooling. They need the respect and trust that come from strong bonds of connection with parents. And they also need lots of time to discover who they are, what they enjoy, and what their missions in life are.
Of course, there’s no guarantee that unschooled children won’t have problems, but the alternative doesn’t provide any guarantees either. At least, if we unschool, we’ll know we didn’t go down a pathway that doesn’t make a lot of sense, one that could result in rebellion and deception. We tried to do the right thing. We gave our kids a good foundation. Hopefully, in the long run, that will make all the difference.
I hope, after reading and listening to my stories, and exploring the unschooling resources I’ve linked to, you’ll agree that unschooling is exactly what teens need.
The Podcast Version of This Post
The Short Version
Unschooling teenagers have the freedom to pursue their passions and delve deeper into areas that genuinely interest them. Instead of conforming to a rigid curriculum, unschooling allows teenagers to learn through their own curiosity and exploration. This approach fosters a sense of autonomy and self-direction, which can contribute to the development of a lifelong love of learning.
A key aspect of unschooling teenagers is the establishment of strong relationships and open communication between parents and teenagers. Unschooling is not about parents relinquishing their role as guides and mentors. Instead, it is about building a foundation of trust and respect, where parents can support their teenagers in making informed decisions and choices.
Contrary to the belief that strict control and surveillance are necessary for teenagers’ safety, such measures can actually be counterproductive. Policing and spying on teenagers can lead to secrecy and strained relationships. Instead, parents can foster an environment of trust, where teenagers feel comfortable discussing their interests, concerns, and experiences openly. By nurturing a relationship built on mutual respect, parents can guide teenagers to develop their own sense of right and wrong, enabling them to make responsible choices independently.
Unschooling can be a transformative experience for teenagers that empowers them to take ownership of their education and personal growth. Trust, respect, and open communication are essential components of this journey, enabling teenagers to navigate the world with confidence and integrity.
The Main Points
- Unschooling allows teenagers to continue pursuing their interests and exploring their identities.
- Trust and respect between parents and teenagers are crucial for unschooling.
- Policing and spying on teenagers can damage relationships and lead to secrecy.
- Parents should focus on building strong relationships and open communication with teenagers.
- Guiding teenagers to make their own informed decisions helps them develop a strong sense of right and wrong independently.
Photos
So, what do you think?
Do you have unschooling teens? Perhaps you’re feeling anxious about unschooling into the teen years? Or maybe you’re wondering if it’s too late to unschool? Why not stop by and share your thoughts and story?
With my oldest becoming a teen this year, yes, I have felt the pressure to make sure he is ready for his future. I want him to feel confident in whatever he chooses, and I want him to feel like he has the skills necessary to compete for a job that interests him.
But I don’t disagree with the points you make.
Thank you for yet another post on the topics I am wrestling with!
Emily,
Oh yes, we want our kids to feel confident when they set out into the world on their own. We don’t want them to flounder and be limited in their choices. But what kind of confidence will serve them best?
Is it more important our kids feel confident as people rather than have confidence they know everything they need to pursue a particular career? We could hope our kids know themselves well, are happy with who they are, and know what they’re interested in and where their talents lie. Maybe we want them be confident enough to express opinions and modify them if necessary but not be swayed by what’s not right. Do we hope our kids will be confident they are loved and can make a difference, aware their lives have meaning and purpose? And do we want them to have confidence they can gain knowledge if they discover they don’t have the exact facts and skills they need?
It’s hard, isn’t it? We want to give our kids everything they need to succeed. And the teen years seem so significant. Maybe we feel time is running out. Maybe that’s good. It makes us think about what’s truly important.
Emily, I hope you find the links helpful. I enjoyed hopping over the Internet, reading the thoughts of other unschoolers as I put this list together!
So good to chat!
Also, thank you for sharing all the links to read more on this topic!