I used to tick off my spiritual boxes religiously every day. I said a lot of prayers and read my Bible. And I got extra ticks whenever I was able to get to daily Mass, so I made the effort to get there as often as life allowed. It wasn’t easy doing all that, but I did it. I had to because my checklist was my safety plan. If my boxes were all ticked, maybe God would leave me alone. He wouldn’t need to keep checking on me, formulating a plan to make me holy. He wouldn’t allow any suffering to touch me. He wouldn’t need to because I had things all worked out. I was living an excellent life.
Despite my ticked off boxes, one day, my world fell apart: our unborn baby was diagnosed with an abnormality incompatible with life.
In the weeks after Thomas’ death, I asked: Why? What was wrong with my plan? Hadn’t I prayed hard enough? Gradually, I realised that there’s nothing wrong with spiritual boxes that need ticking off. Maybe they remind us to do things that connect us to God. But I’d forgotten something important: when we give our lives to God, we have to give Him everything. We have to accept any suffering God allows to come our way, trusting He will look after us. I’d kept God at arm’s length out of fear, trusting myself and my plans instead of Him.
In the same way, we think we know what’s best for our kids. We have our checklists for their education and upbringing that must be ticked off. We tell ourselves that we’re covering all bases. It’s our duty as parents to do this, because what will happen if we miss something? What if our kids aren’t able to do this or that or the other? What if they encounter difficulties and even sufferings because we didn’t come up with the right plan? We hold on tightly because we are afraid to let go.
Again, there’s nothing wrong with having a few checkboxes. We can tick them off in our homeschool journal or even mentally when we’re reviewing our days. Did we read a chapter of that exciting book our kids are longing to hear? Did we invite our children to pray with us? Did we take time to chat? Should we plan that outing our kids want to go on? Did they see us working on our particular passion? Did we stop to hug and say I love you?
Yes, at the end of each day it can be satisfying and helpful to tick off a few boxes. But it can also be good to ask this question: did we make space today for God to act in our kids’ lives?
Of course, passing over control to God could be ‘dangerous’. What if our kids end up making mistakes and have to face challenges? What if they encounter suffering? What if God’s plan isn’t as ‘good’ as ours?
Despite our carefully thought out checklists, our kids aren’t going to have perfect lives. They’re going to make mistakes and suffer. We can’t prevent it. And that’s okay. Our kids have to face challenges because this is how they learn and grow and get to know themselves and God.
So, we could choose to stay firmly in control, and keep ticking off our long list of boxes, and live life in fear. Or we could invite God into our days. If we do this, our lives won’t always look as organised as we might like, but that’s not a sign that we’re on the wrong pathway. We don’t need to fix our sometimes messy days.
If we trust, God will lead our kids, and us as well, somewhere unbelievable. We’ll all go places we can never imagine, become stronger than we think possible, do things we don’t think we can do, make a difference in this world. We’ll love and be loved and feel joy. God’s plans for our lives are perfect.
A couple of weeks after Thomas was lowered into his grave, I said, “My plan for my life was better than God’s.” Mine didn’t include a huge throbbing lump of sorrow that was lodged in my chest. I was wrong.
Thomas was born and only lived for a day, and I grieved. I still do. But I wouldn’t change a thing.
God, Kids, Control
Last November, I went to a nearby town and, before I headed out into the rain with my camera, I sat in the car and vlogged about Christian unschooling. I talked about the thoughts and ideas I wrote about in this blog post, as well as a couple of other Christian unschooling things.
Erin at Ever Learning Blog
In my vlog, I mention Erin who is one of the Stories of Unschooling Family community co-hosts. Erin blogs at Ever Learning. Why not hop over and check out her posts?
The Stories of Unschooling Families Community
The unschooling community is a place of gentleness and acceptance where everyone enjoys slow conversations. It’s a place where you can ask questions as well as share your experiences.
In the community, you’ll find:
- resource posts
- strewing ideas
- homeschool registration and record-keeping ideas
- our unschooling weeks posts where we share what’s happening in our lives
- adult unschooling topics because unschooling never stops!
- parenting discussions
- Zoom discussion replay videos
- book and article discussions
- ideas to ponder
- groups including Youth Unschool Hangout, a place for our kids to meet
- virtual family and child get togethers and activities
- two Marco Polo groups to choose from, general group and one for introverts
- a place where you can tap into as much or as little as you’re interested in!
If you haven’t already done so, why not check out the Stories of Unschooling Families community?
Photos
These are a few of the photos of our church and the nearby gardens that I took after I’d made my God, Kids, Control vlog. Fortunately, there was a break in the rain, and so I didn’t get wet as I hurried through town with my camera!
